Steve's Last Days

Last Wednesday night , the 15th, was Steve's last working day as a deputy. I picked him up Thursday morning since he had to leave his patrol car there and I and really didn't expect the profound sadness that overwhelmed me. Some of guys said things like "good luck" or "stop by and see us" and it was just the thing that pushed me over the edge (that's about as sentimental as they get).

As we pulled out of the bullpen I asked Steve if he was sad and he said "No, I need to do this -- I'll miss the guys but I need to do this." It was in that moment the tears began. He looked over and asked "What are you crying about?" Gee, I don't know -- the end of an era, the end of a lifestyle, the end of an aspect of command, complete uncertainty....need I go on?

Then yesterday he took all his gear and turned it in. It's now really official and I'm sad, unbelievably, unbearably sad. And alone. Completely, utterly alone.

I cry out with the Psalmist:

My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Psalm 6:3

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Psalm 13:1-2

Relent, O LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants.
Psalm 90:13