I really thought I'd be markedly better by now and well on the road to no medication and hopefully remission. No such luck. Not that I really believe in luck but for lack of better verbiage that's what I chose.
I'm actually quite disheartened at how recent events have unfolded. Depending on the day I can see the important, eternal things. But when you wake up in pain every day and it never really goes away, it's hard to maintain that attitude. This is particularly true given that I've pleaded with God for relief. There is, however, one thing I am willing to share. I recently discovered that while I've asked God for a lot this year, complete and total healing was not on the list. I know...astounding! I've prayed for guidance for the doctors, relief from the pain, medication that works and the list goes on. A friend shared with me recently that while it's odd and not completely right that I've not prayed for that, it is understandable. I've dealt with medical issues a lot in my life so my first action is just that--action. I just start the process and go through the motions because it's so familiar. If only it weren't.
So, that's where I am now--asking for complete, total healing. But the truth is, I'm often not in the mood to pray either and I don't really know what to say either. So I decided a couple of weeks ago to read and pray through the Psalms. I don't even care if I do one a day, a verse a day or even a month. There is no race. Slow and steady - that's my plan for 2011.
Here's a few of my favorite phrases so far:
"The One enthroned in heaven laughs.." (2:4) I love this because it is evidence God has a sense of humor and HE LAUGHS. I like that because laughter is salve to my soul."But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." (3:3) So many times I have hung my head in shame, guilt and sadness. God Himself lifts it up!"I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." (3:5) Fear is a mainstay of mine. I never realized how easily I become fearful. I am battling a fear of death like never before yet I wake not because of medical treatments but because the Lord sustains me."From the Lord comes deliverance." (3:8) Need I expound?"Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer." (4:1) RELIEF. That's all."The Lord will hear when I call to him." (4:3) I have felt frequently that God hasn't heard me and that I've been forgotten. This is a reminder."I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord make me dwell in safety." (4:8) Again, the fear thing."Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How Long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love." (6:2-4) I have prayed these sentences VERBATIM. They sum it up completely."I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow." (6:6-7a) I cry, cry and cry some more. Over important stuff and stupid stuff. Over pain, over fear. It's seriously exhausting."The Lord has heard my cry for mercy, the Lord accepts my prayer." (6:9) I actually prayed this in faith because as I said, I'm not always in the groove where I believe this.
So, there it is. The struggles continue but I don't like to be or want to be one of those people who are perpetually in a crisis or not doing well so for the most part, only those (unfortunate) people who live with me or do life really closely to me see it all. I'm sure it isn't all that great being one of them.
