Give Thanks

Normally ascribed to a post around Thanksgiving, this title may be misleading. The truth is we tend to think about thankfulness more around that time of year but it's truly an attitude we should have all day, every day.

I'm in a study with a few women about the heart. Our lesson Tuesday morning was on the attitude of the heart and gratefulness. Much of our problem with contentment is lack of thankfulness. If we learn to be thankful for the things we have, the friends we have, the family we have, and the blessings we receive, we will soon find we don't have much to complain about. Do we have as much as someone else? Of course not! Do we have more than others? Absolutely! There will always be someone we know who has more or who we perceive has more or better. But look the other direction and you'll find someone else who has less than you do....and may quite possibly be more content.

Matthew 12:34 tells us "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." To be quite honest, I haven't been 100% thrilled with what's come out of my mouth or at least mulled around in my head these past few challenging months. God is using this latest test to show me there is some stuff in my heart that needs to be cut out.

After having this lesson yesterday, today I was put to the test. Here's the story:

I arrived 15 minutes early today for my medical test, as requested by the facility. My appointment was scheduled for 11:30. My mom went with me because Steve didn't feel he could today and while I was totally prepared to go by myself, it was quite a blessing having her there.

Initially I was quite impressed as they had me all checked in and ready by 11:35. Having spent many, many hours in doctor's offices, I knew this was fairly unbelievable.

"Unheard of!" I thought to myself...yeah, right.

At 12:39 (yes to the minute) they came to get me. Normally I would have been annoyed at waiting over an hour for an appointment they had asked me to be 15 minutes early for in the first place. Today I was not. I was really enjoying the conversation with my mother and having taken my first dose of prednisone, I was actually not doing that poorly. As a funny aside, my mom had just stepped down the hall to use the restroom because we finally decided it would be forever before they came. Literally 30 seconds later the woman walked up to call me. Of course that would happen. I explained I was waiting for my mom to return and sit with the coats and purses. She asked who the appointment was for - me or my mom. I said "me". She told me to throw the coat over the purses and it would be fine. Um, no, not going to happen. I assured her she'd be right back. She told me in a disgusted voice that if I wasn't ready they'd have to come back later to get me. READY!?!? I'd been waiting over an hour! I smiled and simply said my mom would be back in just a minute and since it was already an hour past my appointment I didn't see harm in waiting just a minute for me. Amazingly, she did! And she wasn't even crabby at me either.

Okay, I'm getting to the relevant part but the set up will help you understand how truly amazing this is. We walked to the back where I sat in my 3rd waiting room. The door to the room was oversize and there was a phrase about 10-12 inches high and the width of the door in capital letters...."GIVE THANKS".

I honestly almost bawled. After she took more information from me she put a needle in my vein for the I.V. which was about the size of my little finger. Seriously, it was huge and I don't normally flinch or feel it being inserted but this one was something else. I looked up at her and said "you know, I don't like that so much." She smiled and said most people don't. She walked out of the room and as I waited another 10 or 15 minutes I gave thanks for everything I could think of until she came back, including having her as my technician.

This was God's reminder for me today to have an attitude of thankfulness, even though nothing was going as scheduled and it wasn't pleasant or comfortable but in the midst of it I have reason to be grateful. It was truly an amazing spiritual time while having a physical, medical test.

Mom and I then walked across the street and shared a $5 sub sandwich. I felt horrible for what I decided had wasted the bulk of her day but she honestly didn't mind. We had a fabulous time together before I dropped her off and headed home.

Thankfulness. It's such an easy concept to understand although more difficult to practice. If we just focus for a minute, we can find much to be grateful for every single day. This is a lifestyle habit I intend to become much better at. The result are quite probable to be eternal.

A Middle of the Night Revelation

I was awakened last night (well, actually early this morning) by the unbelievable pain that has become a part of my every day existence in this less than comfortable season of my life.

After spending all day yesterday sleeping and/or laying around, I tucked myself in bed just before 9 pm and was in a deep sleep shortly after. When I looked at the clock, it was 2:30 am and I was thoroughly disgusted. I knew by the way I felt it would be a long few hours while I waited for morning to come. I so hate that feeling and am glad it doesn't happen to me very often.

I knew there was no point in getting up to take anything because nothing is touching the pain and all it creates is a big stomach ache so I may as well just stay in the warmth of the blankets. As happens to me so easily these days, I began to softly cry, trying very hard not to wake Steve. I whispered "God, I don't understand. Please help me understand. I just need help." My spirit was in utter turmoil and as I continued to pray I felt the overwhelming peace God promises his children--the peace that passes all understanding. No, I did not get any answers into what is wrong with me or any divine diagnosis. I didn't get an audible answer but I knew in my spirit that God knows what is wrong. He knows how to fix it. Perhaps it's just not time. But He knows.

I also realized that for 2 months I've been telling myself, "just hang on until you get to the specialist. Then it will all be fine." That's a lie. That's a strong sentence to type, let alone say to yourself, but it's true. This has nothing to do with me getting into the specialist. He is not the end of the line. Nor is he the beginning. He simply is a method God may (or may not) choose to use to help my physical health. But there is nothing in the arsenal of a physician that will or won't work without the healing of God. He alone is the true physician. The others are merely conduits of His work. I inadvertently put my faith in this specialist to make me better. In essence, I am giving him potential glory that belongs solely to God. I shudder at this thought and how easily this process consumed me. I did not set out to do this. I didn't intend to put someone else in the place of God. And yet I have.

No, neither of these revelations healed me in my sleep--at least not physically. But they really catapulted me spiritually into a different place. Whether I experience a miraculous healing or I spend the next several years in some sort of treatment is yet to be seen. But I do know it's not hopeless and it's not the human agent(s) that will get me there.

Finally at 5:30 am I drifted off to sleep albeit for a mere 45 minutes before I had to get up for a doctor's appointment. And I feel better today than yesterday. Call me crazy (and you wouldn't be the first) but I attribute this to my spiritual breakthrough because it's really about the spiritual warfare going on all around me.

Now I wait for the medical answers. And I will continue to pursue testing as we deem appropriate. There will be good days and bad days. Some I may have to stay in bed, others I may be fortunate enough to get up and function. Most days I will have to depend on others to get me through and learn to accept help. But through it all, I must remain focused on the hope that resides in me. Not positive thinking and not a pull-myself-up-by-my-bootstrap mentality.

As a total aside, Steve has proven to me once again why he's my hero. Blondie, you know what you've had to do for me, day in and day out, and I am grateful beyond words. It's not easy to accept the kind of help you've had to provide and I'm so glad it's you. Thank you for not making me feel like a burden and having such tenderness I'm not humiliated beyond belief.

A Not-So-Simple Day of Rest

We left for vacation on Friday, January 29th but that day of flying was anything but restful. It wasn't horrible, mind you, it just isn't exactly restful bouncing from airport to airport. Saturday we made our way to the ship and spent much of the remainder of the day orienting ourselves to where everything was. Then it came. Sunday. I don't discount the fact that it was what we generally consider our weekly "day of rest" which for me, is anything BUT that.

That day, January 31, 2010 was completely different than nearly any other day, at least in recent memory. After breakfast Sara and I made our way up to the pool deck (aka Deck 11) with books and diet Coke in hand. I also had my camera, Bible, and study book. She lounged herself in the sun and within minutes I moved my chair to the comfort and safety of the shade (need I remind anyone of my freak lip thought to be caused in some cases by overexposure to sun?). Sometime later Steve appeared and told he had discovered Deck 4....the quiet deck where you could really hear the ocean and enjoy the quietness of gentle cruising, the only agenda for the entire day to get us to our first destination. Given how Deck 11 had become a bustling center of activity, I was more than ready and happy to retreat for a while.

I made my way to the elevator and glided to my haven of peacefulness. The chairs didn't lounge completely but I still found them more than comfortable, particularly with a second one drawn close for my feet. Steve pulled a chair to the rail (in the sun) and stuck his feet out for sunning. He so loves the heat--the hotter, the better for him. He's officially a nutball. I stayed back a few feet in the shade, opened my Bible and study book and did a few lessons. The warm Caribbean breeze was a welcome friend. By then Sara had joined me.

All of a sudden I was completely overwhelmed by a new thought--nearly to the point of tears. I turned my head to her and said, "I seriously have nothing to do today. Nothing I have to do anyway." She nodded. The thought so permeated my brain and soul I could hardly contain myself. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Nowhere to be, no cleaning, no cooking....did I mention nothing? I didn't even have to get out of bed that morning.

I rested, not in the sleep sense, but truly rested my mind and my spirit. I was nearly perfectly at peace with my sunglasses on, my iPod playing softly in my ears, and the wake of the boat drifting off behind me.

The essence of rest. The lesson was not lost on me although the logistics are lagging far behind. It's in Genesis where God tells us the importance of a day of rest. I mean, really, if God took one, shouldn't I? It's not that He needed it but rather an example He set for me because as my creator, He understands my physical need for rest. The irony of all ironies for me is that I used to take Sunday as a day of rest and I remember all too well how the rest of my week was so much better. Yet since our dive into full-time ministry I feel like I no longer have time. How ridiculous is that? Now, more than ever is when I need a day of rest.

But it's not so simple without removal from every day life. All I know is that I must figure it out because it's not likely such a vacation will come along frequently. This one was a true gift and provision from God himself, perhaps for this very reason.