I Got The What, But Not The How

I started feeling a bit puny Tuesday night, yesterday was worse yet, and by 5 or 6 last night, I was a wreck. I've slept close to 19 of the last 23 hours. I'd still be sleeping except the dogs began to get restless and have decided not to allow that.

You know how hard it is for a person who has taken NyQuil to get up out of bed? If that person is me, it's unbelievably difficult.

I've been really tired and in desperate need of a day off. It's been months since I've had a day where I didn't work at one of my jobs or spend the day doing laundry and cleaning. Next time I will be more specific in my request to God to make sure he knows I don't mean a day off due to sickness. I got what I wanted but certainly not how I wanted it.

Ugh.

I'm Such A Schmuck!

I am absolutely appalled at myself that I let yesterday pass without a post about the girl....our one and only baby girl....Erica.

It was her 19th birthday. It's not like I forgot it was her birthday either--at least that would have provided an excuse. I've got nothing! We celebrated it, today I took her to lunch (she was busy with school and work yesterday) and I even called her yesterday morning and sang "Happy Birthday" to her voicemail.

As it turns out, the only thing I didn't do is proclaim it publicly. So, today it is. Better late than never!

Happy Birthday baby girl! Even though you're not so much a baby anymore, you'll always be that baby girl to me.

I love you bunches. I'm so proud of you. You are so much more than me and for that I am so grateful. You are a delight. A complete joy. The year you were born was dark and dreary for me and you saved me from myself. You gave me hope. I never tired of watching those brown eyes smiling at me. Even with that plug in your mouth I knew you were smiling. Your entire face smiled. I could not be any crazier about you if you were my own. I wouldn't love you more. While I could say more here, I will not because of obvious reasons (if not so obvious to you, I will explain off-line).

I spent a fortune on this outfit and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Between grandma, Aunt Lora and I, this child never lacked fashionable clothing.

Our beautiful girl. Where on earth did you come from?

Sunday Funnies

I've got a handful of these but I'll start with my top favorites. These really cracked me up! Laughter...it does a body good!

Made My Day

Before Bible study tonight I was talking to various ladies, checking on prayer requests they'd given me, and just generally milling around.

I returned to the podium to begin and there across my Bible was a stem of 3-4 carnations. I looked up as if I were really going to catch someone standing there ready to take credit. Yeah, right.

I said, "where did this come from?" barely loud enough for the table right in front of me to hear. No response. So a little louder I said "hey, ladies, who left these?" Everyone just stared at me. I was about to utter another line when my dear friend Miss Anita said, "just be quiet and accept it graciously!"

And so I did. It really made my day too. A secret admirer of sorts.

As a total aside, I just love that Miss Anita. She and her husband are mission service corp volunteers (basically self funded missionaries) who retired from the Air Force and went into full time ministry. They are workhorses who definitely believe you never retire from serving the Lord. She's also one of our senior adults I work with a lot on various projects and events. She's a complete delight and she never hesitates to tell it to me straight and kick me in the pants if need be. The need arises a lot.

She's a great example of the older women teaching the younger women as instructed by the apostle Paul to Timothy.

What a Thought

I had the strangest revelation as I did my Bible study lessons this week.

God is proud of me.

Take that in for a minute. God is proud of me. Even when I'm not perfect or successful but I've tried my best, my heart is right, and I've been obedient.

I was so overwhelmed at that because I've always known my dad was proud of me, not only because he told me so but also because his actions matched his words. When I got all A's on my report card he was proud. But when I tried so hard in life science and got that only-ever "C" he was equally proud because I gave it my all. I was devastated but knowing he was proud of me helped tremendously.

Being proud is such a fatherly-type of thing--at least in my mind. I've missed my dad so terribly the last few days so as I encountered that particular section in my study, I wept until I could no longer read the words on the page.

God, proud of me? Proud of you? Absolutely! And why not? If we're made in his image and we have that ability, would it not come from the source?

Savor that thought. Soak it in.

Quotable

"The hinge of history is on the door of a Bethlehem stable." ~ Ralph W. Sockman

Mission Trips and Protection

So last weekend Steve and I took a team to Missoula to work with a church plant EBC is involved in. Despite some early pre-trip disappointment, I was completely thrilled with being a part of this weekend.

They were given some property from a church that closed its doors which was a phenomenal gift but as you might suspect, it has been long neglected so there is much work to do. We helped with demolition and then hung drop ceilings in 3 of the offices. With my usual unrealisic expectation of how long stuff really takes, I had hoped to do far more but we worked long and hard on Saturday so there are no regrets. But something I didn't anticipate was what Pastor Rich said on Sunday. He said we were a real encouragement to them as they begin their work. The list of things they need to do is long and sometimes in the midst of everything it seems daunting--like it's all too much. And then we came along. The crazy thing is that last year the mission team from TN encouraged us so much and I never stopped to think that we would be doing the same for someone else. Oh to be used like that is amazing!

On the way home we were bringing back a truck. It recently had a rebuilt engine put in but to be on the safe side, we caravaned with us in front and another group behind. Then it happened....35 miles outside of Missoula the water pump and fan belt went out. Ugh. Steve and I were called to come back and one of the guys had a tow rope so we hooked it up and towed it back to the church. As we hit the road my first thought was "God is protecting us. It could have been much worse. We could have been in the dark, on icy roads, or 100 miles from anywhere." But it wasn't. It was a mere 35. Don't get me wrong. It was an agonizing hour and a half process but it was all okay. Then the big thing happened. Just as we pulled into the church parking lot, the tow rope broke. Couldn't have been better timing. It was God's protection--no other explanation is necessary.

Steve and Pastor Rich:

Michael and I:

Demolition--every boy's delight (and man's too):

Steve and a few of the guys inspecting the damage:

Hooking 'er up:

Towing 'er back:Last but not least, the dreaded broken rope:

A Warmed Heart

I have a post in me about our mission trip this past weekend but it's late and I wanted to change my post so I'll do this one for now.

Tonight as the 5th and final event with the pastor ended and I was cleaning up, I walked by a dad and his 2 kids waiting for momma to finish up. Daddy said "hey, tell Miss Julie your verse." The 4 year old shyly looked down and said "I can't remember it." He said, "yes you can!"

I looked over and said "you really know a verse? Can I please hear it?" She squirmed for a minute or so and then softly said....

"For God so loved the world he gave his one and only son so who-so-who-ever-so believes in him will not perish but have life forever. John 3:16"

It was the cutest thing I've heard in a long while. Her nose scrunched up as she said "perish". I told her what a great job she did and then she proceeded to tell me a couple more verses she knew. No longer shy and an approving audience made for a sweet girl with a sudden burst of confidence.

I said my goodbyes and walked up the stairs with tears stinging my eyes. It's simple enough for a child to get.

Keep It Filled Up

On my way home from work about 30 minutes ago, I was talking to a friend. She has just entered a new phase of her life and she's tired. I know exactly why. I entered that world a short 18 months ago. Here's what she said:

"Jules, my brain is just tired. I give and give and give. I'm tired of the meltdowns so I'm just not going to think anymore."

Oh, I so sympathized but something caught my attention as she was mid-sentence. She gives...and gives...and gives. Truly she does--she is not exaggerating. After her statement, I said:

"You know you are crossing to a danger zone. Want to know what I just heard?"

"What?" she asked.

"Your output is exceeding your intake. You can only give to the extent that you're getting filled up yourself."

So I want to throw that out there for you too, particularly if you're a pastor's wife or a pastor, but it applies to all ministry leaders. You have to keep yourself filled up and while a quiet time is a great place to start and an essential discipline, don't forget to find others to fellowship with where you can be served. Many of us in ministry are the servers and we don't really get the option of just participating. Find a group of people in your same situation and just soak it in.

This very thing has been on my heart the last several days and I'm taking steps to form a small group of girls just like me. Okay, not just like me (I'm imagining a huge sigh of relief at that), but in my same circumstances!

Victory Has Eluded Me

My Bible study lesson today hit me right between the eyes. Have you ever felt like there will never be victory over the one thing in your life? Maybe two or three things? That's exactly how I feel today. Like a complete failure. Again. There is no hope (in my mind) of ever winning.

The problem with continual failure in one area (or more) is that eventually I can't see my way out of it and I forget where I came from and from what I've been delivered. It's a perpetual defeat cycle. I cried last night as I tried to express to Steve the daily torment I have over this. I cried again this morning as I questioned whether God even hears me on this anymore.

And then I read this (keep in mind I'm studying Esther or it won't make sense): "He who delivered you from infertility can deliver you from inconsistency. He who delivered you from a Pharaoh can deliver you from any Haman. Remember who you are." 1

In my case, deliverance from infertility was a true reality. I wasn't delivered by God giving me children. He did not. But he delivered me out of the destructive cycle associated. Part of my problem is that in the midst of a new cycle of defeat I don't stop to remember all the Pharaohs I've been delivered from and how faithful God has been.

Don't get me wrong, I did not have sudden victory this morning. That's absolutely not the case. It was simply a reminder and conviction that in this one particular area of consistent failure, I am not without hope. I have a long battle to be sure but the same God who delivered me from so many other things can deliver me from this as well. The questions are this: When? Will he or does he want me to bear up under it?

Better yet, what will I do if the answer is not what I desire?

1 Taken from Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman by Beth Moore; p74.

Sad Goodbyes

Friday night we had our final dinner for the leaders we've been working with the past 13 months. And what a dinner it was! Sirloin roast, garlic mashed potatoes, braised green beans, salad, and creme brulee. All made from scratch in our very own kitchen. This was our final act of showing them that we are here to serve them, support them, and help them along their way.

These leaders are ready to start their own small groups and our time together has concluded. I find myself fairly sad about it too. I'm so excited that they will be spreading the joys of a small group but sad because we won't be meeting every week. I have developed really deep relationships and we've seen God work in some pretty big ways these last several months. No matter what good intentions we have, the truth is the relationships will change. There's no way around that if for no other reason than scheduling. As they get involved developing relationships in their new groups and we in ours, there just won't be the time together that we've so enjoyed.

I find the need to grieve. Just because we're doing exactly what God wants us to do doesn't mean it's easy. Sometimes it's just not.

I so love these guys. Phil & Sara; Paul & Jamie; George & Donna; Tra and Kristi; Corey & Christy...each one has added new dimension to my world.