There are a few people in my life who I trust enough to believe wholeheartedly when they tell me the truth--even when it's hard. Perhaps even more when it's difficult to hear, let alone say. Yet they are brave enough to risk a friendship and confront me with things in my life that I am completely unable to see.
These relationships are rare and take a long while to till the soil. I realize how fortunate I am to have them. It's only when I know they love me, deeply care about my journey and are committed to walk with me that I can be open to really listening to what they have to say. It's a definite risk as one never knows how the news will be received, or if it will be received. If the time is not right, such brutal honesty can end a friendship.
I've had a huge struggle over the past 12-18 months that at times has consumed my mind to the point of irrational thinking. Sometimes I can see it, sometimes not. But I know it's always there, waiting for those weak mental moments to devour my stability and sanity. I've shared it in small doses but only 2 or 3 people know the true depth of my struggle.
Last week as I was headed to an appointment, a friend of mine was on the phone and motioned for me to call her later. She was specifically interested in my doctor's appointment that day as I was on the verge of tears when we met for a bible study (of sorts). As we discussed what he said, which was actually not bad news, that nasty struggle reared its head and jumped right off my tongue. But she already knew it was lurking. She was waiting for it and it was obvious she followed the prompting of the Spirit to talk to me about it.
This isn't the first time she has had to confront me with truth. Several years ago she did so as I struggled with the desperate desire I had for a child. Then four years ago she did so again and that one we laugh about to this day. She said "I wanted you to do XYZ but you were being, well..." she trailed off. "A brat," I quipped. That's exactly what she was thinking and we both knew it. She was right. We laughed our heads off. But had she said it to me earlier, I would likely not be on speaking terms with her today. Timing is everything.
Back to last week. She said, "Julie, you're in one of those places again. If you don't get a grip on this sooner rather than later, it will take you years to tear down the walls you're building. You can't grow spiritually until you face it." In a strange dichotomy, it was as if a burden lifted and a ton of bricks fell on me at the same time.
She's absolutely right. I agreed with her and really thought we'd say our goodbyes and go on with our day. Nope. "So, what are you going to do about it?" she asked. I was quiet, secretly hoping she'd feel uncomfortable with the silence and let me hang up. Nope. "What steps are you going to take?" Realizing she wasn't going to hang up until I formulated a plan, I said, "well, I'm not exactly sure." Still not off the proverbial hook. Such tenacity this woman has.
Together we generated a plan wherein I journal the lies I am believing and/or telling myself and write a corresponding truth for each one. Then comes the memorization so I don't have to depend on said journal to rise above the weight when the inopportune times come. Journaling doesn't work for everyone but for me, it's been highly effective and she knows that. How? Because she knows me. She has invested in me and I in her. She will hold me accountable to do the hard work too.
This stretch of road will be difficult but travel it I must lest I remain in ever increasing bondage for the rest of my life. I am so grateful for this friend, and others like her, who stick their neck out there for me, hold my feet to the fire, encourage me through it, and love me even though I am a stubborn, sometimes belligerent tough nut to crack. They shine Jesus to me and help me shine too.
