Prone to Wander

I think I've told Steve at least 20 times the past couple months that we need to move. I don't particularly care if we move to a different house, a different city or different state. Well, I do have my preferences as to cities and states but the point is that the entire thing just doesn't make sense. This bothers me.

I actually love my house--the location, the layout, the size...BUT...I just want to run away. Granted, I've always been a bit of a wanderer. I love to go places I've never been and actually have a perceived need to do so. My sister has tried to convince me it's not a need but to me, it is. My dad is one of the few people who understood this about me. One time as he was dropping me off at the airport, he said "Go and see but don't forget to come home. My girl just can't stay put, can she?" No, I really can't. So, as you might imagine, this whole new case of itchy feet has caused me to miss my dad terribly.

Last week as I mentioned this to Steve for the bazillionth time, I asked him "why do you think it is I have this need to move?"

"Because you don't feel well," he replied.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"Going places is exciting for you and it changes your perspective. You think it will make things better," he said.

I thought about it for a few minutes and I came to the conclusion he's right. Although my thinking is incorrect, it's plausible that for a few days, weeks or months a new location will help me forget about it.

I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to go to another doctor, have another test, pay another medical bill. I don't want to melt down again. I want it to go away. And until it does, I would really rather not even leave the house. I am safe and comfortable here. I am accepted here. I am loved--even when I've fallen apart at the seams and sit in a puddle of tears.

I want to be normal, whatever that means. I've watched people a lot lately and wondered to myself, "what's it like to do (fill in the blank) without forethought or struggle?" "What if you could just run here or there without worrying about the side effects?" "Why do I have to be such a freak?"

The emotional & mental toll that comes with a chronic illness is just as painful as the physical pain....it's just that no one sees it, few understand it, and the agitation is always barely hidden under the surface.

For me it comes out in the need to wander, to run away and while it seems contradictory, to hole up in the house and never leave again. But even if I do--whether for a minute or a year, it will be waiting when I return. There is no escape. I must deal with it, regardless of whether I like it or want it.

This is the dichotomy of my life these days.