Acceptable Struggles, Unacceptable Struggles

Sometimes we have to accept things in life that we'd rather not. I'm actually okay with that....as if I have a choice.

I have no memory of a pain-free day in my life. I know that's been truth since I was 15 years old but before that I'm not so certain. Surely I did, I just don't remember it. But since my first diagnosis with MD I haven't had a single day of pain-free living. The thing is, I have re-defined what pain is and what might make someone else feel poorly enough to stay home, I just consider a normal day. And since it's not enough pain to keep me down, I generally don't take anything for it. But lately I've been thinking about it quite a bit. A couple weeks ago I asked Steve, "what do you feel like in the morning?" He asked, "What do you mean?" I replied, "Well, do you feel normal or do you hurt?" He said, "I feel fine, normal if that's what you mean. I don't have pain."

I can't wrap my head around that. I desperately would like a day where I wake up and NOTHING hurts--or even where the pain is so minimal I can get up and start with my day immediately rather than transition to the sofa for the next 30-90 minutes until I can actually function. While I would like that, it is not my reality and I have learned to accept that. It's an acceptable struggle.

But what I can't accept is the continual struggle for medical treatment that will work effectively. I feel like a one woman platoon taking on an entire battalion. Consider my most recent interaction with a doctor:

DR.: Julie, aerobic exercise would be really good for strengthening your muscles and increased mobility.

ME: I hear what you're saying. I do. And I understand...BUT what I'm referring to is the ability to function on my own for even a day. I can barely get out of bed, I cannot lift a gallon of milk by myself and sometimes getting from point A to point B means Steve has to help me. I'm talking about getting my disease under control so I can even go for a half mile walk. Can we start there?

I really pay $325 per office visit for this aggravation. I'm not anti-exercise. I believe in the health benefits, it's good stewardship of the body and mentally it's fantastic. But to a person who struggles every day to walk up the stairs and get out of a chair, aerobics is not high on my "to-do list". I count it a successful day when I can work my 4 hours, do a load of laundry, pick up the house and make dinner. Most days I can accomplish at least 2 of those things and I'm ecstatic...as well as exhausted.

This, to me, is an unacceptable struggle. I'm not asking the doctor to understand how I feel. That would be impossible--it would be like asking me to understand what it's like to be pregnant. Some things you've got to experience to understand. I am not even really asking him to have empathy. That would be nice...I love a good bedside manner but it's not crucial. What I am asking for is some stinkin' common sense that prohibits him from saying such dim-witted comments.

And Even If He Does Not

The other morning as I continued in my quest to make the Psalms a mainstay of my reading diet I came across 2 phrases in chapter 9 that resonated in my little brain:

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." (v9-10)

and

"...he does not ignore the cry of the afflicted." (v12b)

I stopped and asked this question: "So what does it mean, God, if I feel that my cry is ignored?" and further added this statement, "I feel forsaken." A few years ago I never would have typed those sentences for public viewing nor would I have admitted them to God himself. What's different? Well, I still felt and thought them, God knew it, so why not be honest and ask the tough questions? He can take it!

I sat for a few minutes, quieted my heart and mind with only a silent pleading asked God to please show me something....anything.

I don't know that I had a big revelation but in my heart I heard "EVEN IF HE DOES NOT..." and at once I thought of a very familiar story about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, the 3 friends of Daniel in the book of Daniel. I immediately flipped over several pages and read it again. Just before they were thrown into the fiery furnace they told Nebuchadnezzar, "the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O King. But EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of god you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18 emphasis mine)

These 3 guys were amazing. They knew God could rescue them physically but more than that, they knew that even if he didn't rescue them physically, they would be rescued spiritually and while their time on earth came to an end, they would be ushered into His presence. Either way, as they saw it, they win. They would not feel forsaken if it didn't turn out in physical deliverance.

Many of us probably know how this turned out for them....not only did Jesus himself show up and walk around the fire with them (that's my belief on who that 4th guy was), when King N called to them, out they walked and "the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them." (3:27) I smile at that last phrase and what I perceive as a sense of humor from God, almost as if it say "I'll go one better, they won't even smell!" Okay, totally my interjection there but it's just like God to go that extra mile.

I don't know that I can unequivocally state my arrival at the sentence "even if He does not". But it was a big ah-ha for me that morning. EVEN IF HE DOES NOT...I will....what? Feel ignored? Feel forsaken? What right do I have to say to God, if you don't do this, it means (fill in the blank)? None. No right at all. I don't get to decide that if God doesn't act like I want him to then He is unfaithful or has forsaken me or ignored me.

Yes, I have to work through those feelings and I truly believe God understands that. I'm not the first in the history of this world to do so and I won't be the last. God help me if I come up with anything less than...AND EVEN IF HE DOES NOT I WILL HOLD FIRM AND FOLLOW.