What a Wonderful Friend

Today I had to break the news to a dear friend that a long-planned visit with her was not going to happen. I've known it wouldn't be a reality for over a month but I was in denial about it, desperately hoping something would change.

I didn't even initiate the conversation - she did when she told me about a mission trip she is leaving for tomorrow. As it turns out, the weekend we were going to spend together will find her on a retreat and I was strangely relieved and exhilarated to hear that she had a schedule problem because I could stop feeling guilty about it.

I e-mailed her and said, "I won't feel so bad since you'll be gone and it wouldn't have worked out. Now I don't have to add guilt to my discouragement." Her response made me remember why I miss her so badly and I get teary just thinking about the void I've felt since she moved. I still count her one of my closest friends but it's just not the same as living down the street, you know? Anyway, here is her response and after reading this, you'll understand why I love and adore her....and desperately miss her too! These are the friendships worth making.

"You NEVER have to add guilt to anything related to me. I love you."

Fun With Mom

Last night I had an incredibly fun time with my mom. I would post pictures but at this point I don't even attempt to take pictures of my mother without her explicit permission - she hates them! It would have made for a good post though...

Anyway, a couple of years ago she canned some corn relish that was phenomenal and so I asked her to come and help me do it. The timing was good because I was freezing several dozen ears of corn for the winter anyway.

It was so much fun to do this and to continue learning this skill from a woman who has spent much of her life doing it and let's face it, canning is a dying art. I'd go so far as to say she's an expert. And I love to hear the memories that flood back as she does it with me. It's like when I go to the fair and I'm overwhelmed with memories of other times doing the same thing.

These times are so precious and I'll get to live them all over again about January when I make corn chowder and remember the hot August night that made it possible. Parents are a gift from God and I'm so blessed to have been given the ones I was and to be friends with them in my adulthood!

Dueling Views

I had a really interesting and enlightening conversation with a woman today and as I relayed it to Steve at lunch, he wasn't at all enlightened. As a matter of fact, what was a mystery to me was not at all mysterious to him. Evidently he sees far more clearly than I do.

Here's the gist: there is a situation in which I see things very differently than this woman does. It's not a conflict or anything, just a circumstance. Where I don't see myself as valuable, needed, or fitting in, she saw me as extremely value added and not only fitting in but being a ring leader (so to speak).

As I tell this to Steve he told me that's about right. I had no idea what he meant so I said "what do you mean that's right?" And he said "Because it's the truth." Not ready to let it die I asked "Why am I always the liar?" He said "You're not lying, you're just deceived." AARRGGH!! So then I said "Why am I the one who is deceived and not her?" And his response is classic, "Because you're the one with self image problems. If there's a way that makes you feel bad about yourself, you'll take it." To that I retorted, "Well, with my last job I didn't have self image problems -- I knew I was an asset and added value to our division because DL (my former boss) told me so and acted it on it too."

As if the last line weren't enough of classic Steve, he said, "That's the problem -- you're letting others set your value and not God." With that the conversation ended - I had nothing else to add, retort, or even a way to annoy him (my specialty).

You know why? Because he's right.

Wisdom From An Old Sailor

A 19th century minister, Richard Fuller, told the story of an old seaman who said, "In fierce storms we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there."

Fuller went on to say "This, Christian, is what you must do - put your soul in one position and keep it there. You must stay upon the Lord; and come what may -- winds, waves, cross seas, thunder, lightning, frowning rocks, roaring breakers -- no matter what, you must hold fast your confidence in God's faithfulness and His everlasting love in Christ Jesus."

Peace in the storms; this is where it lies. This ties in perfectly to our sermon yesterday (August 26th) on suffering. It's worth a listen and should be posted soon if it's not there already.

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

~ 1 Peter 4:12-13

Mini-Retreat

Steve and I left mid-afternoon yesterday and headed to the mountains for what turned out to be a mini-retreat. The purpose was a staff retreat which is an annual event lasting a week and the staff and their spouses can come and go as their schedules permit. And each staff member gets their annual review. Obviously since Steve doesn't even start for another 9 days or so, his review was minimal!

It was great to get away in the big-ness of God's creation and realize how small we really are and be overwhelmed with the reminder that even in our insignificance, God loved us and provided a way for us to spend eternity with him.

It was fun to relax and play games with those who were there at the same time as us, laugh, talk, and just enjoy the fellowship and friendship. I sat outside in the swing and for the first time in a long time I was excited to be alone -- not exactly alone but alone with God.

And here's the best part....there is a group of deer that hangs out by the cabin. The dominant doe was the only one brave enough to come up to the deck and eat right out of my hand! I tried desperately to get the twin fawns and the yearling to come up but they would have none of it and neither would the piggy-boss. And where was our camera? Right here on our kitchen counter. Oh well, it was fantastic anyway.

It was beautiful and I pray for a big blessing on the owners of the cabin. They are generous beyond belief and use it extensively for ministry. I know their stewardship will not go unrewarded!

Happy Birthday Peter!

Today is a very special day in the life of our family. It was 10 years ago that sweet little Peter was born. He has brought so much joy and laughter to our lives that I couldn’t possibly recount all the wonderful things about my nephew. One of my favorite memories is the first time I heard him say “Nana Mo”. For a couple of years that is what he called me; “Nana” for aunt and “Mo” because I was Gizmo’s (aka Mr. MO) momma. He related to me through my dog (for a dog person this isn't so bad -- it could be way worse)!

It’s been such a treasure to be there for every birthday, every Christmas, first days of school, first words, first steps, school plays, piano recitals, and the list goes on. While these things may seem small at the time or individually, together they form bonds that will last a lifetime.

I absolutely adore Peter (just as I do Erica). They are complete opposites and yet each of them holds the same special place in my heart. Today I’m especially thankful that God has given us Peter as he means so much to me. And I’m thankful that my sister has shared her babies with all of us – we are truly raising them as a family unit. They get something from all of us and while this is completely normal to them, I recognize that this is really not how most relationships go with aunts and uncles. This gives us many reasons to be grateful.

Happy Birthday Mr. P! We love you buddy!

Steve's Last Days

Last Wednesday night , the 15th, was Steve's last working day as a deputy. I picked him up Thursday morning since he had to leave his patrol car there and I and really didn't expect the profound sadness that overwhelmed me. Some of guys said things like "good luck" or "stop by and see us" and it was just the thing that pushed me over the edge (that's about as sentimental as they get).

As we pulled out of the bullpen I asked Steve if he was sad and he said "No, I need to do this -- I'll miss the guys but I need to do this." It was in that moment the tears began. He looked over and asked "What are you crying about?" Gee, I don't know -- the end of an era, the end of a lifestyle, the end of an aspect of command, complete uncertainty....need I go on?

Then yesterday he took all his gear and turned it in. It's now really official and I'm sad, unbelievably, unbearably sad. And alone. Completely, utterly alone.

I cry out with the Psalmist:

My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Psalm 6:3

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Psalm 13:1-2

Relent, O LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants.
Psalm 90:13

Fair Fun

Last night we made our annual trek to the Montana State Fair but this year was unusual. Generally we go as a big family conglomerate but this year most of the family went on Monday and since Steve worked we went last night with Erica and my sister Lora.

There's something about the fair that immediately transports me to childhood and I am flooded with fun memories of family time, laughter, and new adventures. Inevitably I remember that one year I fell on a tent stake while running to a ride causing a large gash across my knee (to this day I have a scar). My dad simply took out his handkerchief, and with love and gentleness tied it around my knee and onward we went.

I also remember the fair 2 years ago which came a couple months after Steve deployed. We went on a Friday night and I had just returned from a business trip. Minutes after arriving home my sweet-always-been-with-his-momma-during-deployments dog Gizmo had a stroke and was resting from the medicine the vet gave him while I went (he didn't make it through that and the Monday following I had to put him down).

It's funny how so many memories can be wrapped up in something like the fair. What seems like a simple annual event is truly so much more than that to me. It represents an event that further shapes the memories I have and the bonds created as a family in my childhood and again as an adult. I see my dad everywhere and remember the joy he had taking his grandbabies on the carousel for the first time and playing games with them. It reminds me of simpler times and I cherish those memories more every year.

Pictures: the first is Steve and Erica as we waited for Lora to arrive; the second is Steve and I displaying our last ever free tickets on behalf of the county. As a county employee Steve always received 2 tickets and we've laughed for years at his annual bonus (I used to get real, monetary bonuses so this was always funny to us). The third is Erica and I doing nothing in particular!

I Am What I Believe

What we believe affects who we are and how we behave.

WHOA! What a huge statement, packed full of truth. If I believe I'm unworthy, I behave that way -- it's just a natural correlation. I would further say that what we do affects who we are and who we choose to associate with affects who we are.

Man, that really makes me think about what I put into my brain whether by books, TV, movies, or influences from those around me. If I'm not careful, I might just end up being something I have no intention of being and certainly outside of who God wants me to be.

My dad used to say, "Be careful what or who you laugh at because you almost always end up being just like that person or doing what that person does." He was sssooo wise! I've seen this countless times in my life and in the lives of those around me. See why I miss my dad so much?

Migration of the Pack

We try to be diligent about "migrating our pack" every day, i.e. walking the dogs. Apparently it's not only good physical exercise but it's supposed to be good for the dog to owner relationship in determining who the pack leader is. But we do it mostly for exercise because Sam spends the day in his crate while I'm at work and Steve sleeps and then the night in his crate as I sleep and Steve works (it goes without saying Jake sleeps on the bed during these times, right?).

Anyway, the last few mornings we've done this when Steve gets home from work and I have absolutely loved this time together, walking in the cool, quiet of the morning with dogs in tow. It seems like every day we discover something new even though we generally walk the same route. It confirms a quote I read several months ago by Lucy Maud Montgomery:

"Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive -- it's such an interesting world. It wouldn't be half so interesting if we knew all about everything."

That really provokes my thought process and I love to "discover" something that has been there all along or re-discover something with totally new eyes. It means that each day holds a treasure God intended just for me. While this is true in nature, it's also true in scripture. A passage I've read a thousand times is usually new and fresh each time and often means something totally different to me. I love that!

Historic Moment

Today was a big day for us, some might say it was historic....okay, maybe just me but I'm somebody, right? We had our first official step in Phase 2 of our strategy at Calvary. This morning we went from just adult Sunday School to a full blown worship service!

As Campus Pastor, Steve did the announcements, prayer and invitation; we had live music, and then we fairly seamlessly ran the sermon that was recorded at the 8 a.m. service at Emmanuel (this is my job so holding myself to the standard of perfect, I can only say "fairly" since I had a couple of blunders). And, we had 34 people! While that might not sound like much, keep in mind that we have just 5 remaining members from Calvary, and we've been running around 14 in Sunday School up to now if we include people coming out from EBC. You don't have to be a math wizard to see we more than doubled our attendance and it's a great way to start Phase 2!

So, onward we go. Next weekend Steve will be out of town which will add another element of "YIPES"! But I know it'll be fine because it's not about Steve and while I didn't even notice, he later said he was unbelievably nervous. I guess it's all his training that kept it from being obvious. I thought he did great and he said that's how we know it's God because he could never do that of his own will or abilities. One of the funniest things about this entire venture is that Steve doesn't even really like people. He'd much rather be alone or with just a really small group of people (or just me and the dogs; me sometimes, the dogs always!). I've come to realize that God calls these types of individuals to ministry so it's obvious where the power comes from and who deserves the glory.

To top the day off we went to my brother's after church for a barbeque and had a great time, volleyball and the works:)

Really, I'm not a Groupie!

I am really NOT an Oswald Chambers "groupie" and I read lots of other stuff too but sometimes his words just jump off the page at me. It's no coincidence that these 2 things would come at me right as I have my crisis of faith. Steve is being unbelievably patient with me -- what did I do to deserve him? I get it, God, seriously I get it.

The baffling call of God

And all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of man shall be accomplished. . . .

And they understood none of these things. Luke 18:31, 34

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed unmitigated disaster. Jesus Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death; He led every one of them to the place where their hearts were broken. Jesus Christ’s life was an absolute failure from every standpoint but God’s. But what seemed failure from man’s standpoint was a tremendous triumph from God’s, because God’s purpose is never man’s purpose (emphasis mine).

There comes the baffling call of God in our lives also. The call of God can never be stated explicitly; it is implicit. The call of God is like the call of the sea, no one hears it but the one who has the nature of the sea in him. It cannot be stated definitely what the call of God is to, because His call is to be in comradeship with Himself for His own purpose, and the test is to believe that God knows what He is after.[1]

[1]Chambers, Oswald: My Utmost for His Highest : Selections for the Year. Grand Rapids, MI : Discovery House Publishers, 1993, c1935.

Yes.....But....

A couple of months ago Steve sent me an e-mail that contained the words below. At the time they were in front of our leap of faith and as I type this, they are behind it. Steve has taken that leap, without wavering, strong in his faith. I'm finding myself in the mid-leap -- hanging on to Steve's hand on his way over and grasping to the edge we just left, barely hanging on to it and fighting to do so. If only I weren't so afraid of the free-fall.

I told our small group that when Steve makes a decision he is certain about it and he never looks back. Me, I'm about to turn into a pillar of salt by looking back so much!

Lord, I will follow Thee; but . . . . Luke 9:61

Supposing God tells you to do something which is an enormous test to your common sense, what are you going to do? Hang back? If you get into the habit of doing a thing in the physical domain, you will do it every time until you break the habit determinedly; and the same is true spiritually. Again and again you will get up to what Jesus Christ wants, and every time you will turn back when it comes to the point, until you abandon resolutely. ‘Yes, but— supposing I do obey God in this matter, what about . . .?’ ‘Yes, I will obey God if He will let me use my common sense, but don’t ask me to take a step in the dark.’ Jesus Christ demands of the man who trusts Him the same reckless sporting spirit that the natural man exhibits. If a man is going to do anything worth while, there are times when he has to risk everything on his leap, and in the spiritual domain Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold by common sense and leap into what He says, and immediately you do, you find that what He says fits on as solidly as common sense. At the bar of common sense Jesus Christ’s statements may seem mad; but bring them to the bar of faith, and you begin to find with awestruck spirit that they are the words of God. Trust entirely in God, and when He brings you to the venture, see that you take it. We act like pagans in a crisis, only one out of a crowd is daring enough to bank his faith in the character of God. [1]

[1]Chambers, Oswald: My Utmost for His Highest : Selections for the Year. Grand Rapids, MI : Discovery House Publishers, 1993, c1935, S. May 30

The Blessings of Family

In the doldrums of every day life, I frequently forget what a blessing my family is. By all counts we have a very different family than most but not in a negative way. Sure, we get weary of each other and sometimes drive each other crazy. But when it comes to what's important, we are definitely a tight unit -- this was best displayed in the hours, days, and weeks following our dad's death. When we have house projects, we all help; when we have holidays we get together to share the meals, and at birthdays we celebrate together. Most families don't do that.

This week was a reminder for me of how much I appreciate my family and I found myself wishing I showed them more often that I do. I was down with the flu this week and I mean down, as in too weak to get out of bed, unable to keep anything down, and barely enough energy to take a shower. Not that there's ever a great week to be sick but this one was really inconvenient. Steve and I were hosting a dinner for 12 on Thursday night and everything we made (except the salad) was from scratch and time consuming. I had done some prep work Tuesday night which was foresight I hadn't planned. Steve ended up doing the majority of everything else and my mom and sister did the rest. They came over Wednesday night (with a mask for me!) to decorate the tables and came back Thursday morning to finish cleaning the house and mow the lawn.

This morning my mom stopped by to pick up my ironing and brought chicken noodle soup. I am overwhelmed as I sit here for the 4th day, finally feeling much better. Thank you is not enough yet that's all I have to give because they won't take anything else. For both my mom and Shiela, this is a gift they have -- to really think of others when they're down and bring meals or pick up but it's not a gift I have. For me to do this take real effort and thought. It doesn't mean I don't have to do it, it just means I must try harder.

So I humbly say thanks and publicly profess that my family is very special to me. It's not much but it's something.