Not The Week I Anticipated

I was really looking forward to this week because it's my first week working one paying job in quite a while. I had a list of things I really wanted to accomplish and that all lasted through Monday. That's right. Just Monday.

Tuesday I not only had a more-frequent-than-I'd-like face episode but I started to recognize the pain in my lip that was strikingly similar to December 2007. Rather than doing what I intended Tuesday afternoon I went home and took a nap. Sure enough, when I awoke, my lip was about twice its normal size. Shoot. Here we go again. Wednesday morning it looked almost exactly the same as the previous time just not quite as big.

I called the doctor who fixed me up only to discover his office was closed for vacation. He told me at my last follow up that this would likely happen again and I guess he was right. He wanted me to be sure and come in if (when) it did. Shoot again. I called my regular doctor only to discover he had just returned from vacation and was overbooked. They could see me next week. Seriously? Next week? What about a patient in urgent need of care? At this point I'm beyond "shoot" and can just say "dung." So I went to same day care which is generally alright but for this I really didn't want to but having no other option, I went. The doctor was a nice guy and very knowledgeable but not having seen me before, he just didn't really understand. I get that.

I'm now on 3 different prescriptions and there is little improvement. Tomorrow morning I go to the specialist who is now back from vacation. I shudder to think he might tell me he needs to do the same surgery he did before--actually, I can't really bear the thought but that's a worry for tomorrow, not tonight.

Mostly today during my awake hours (and there hasn't been many of them) I've been confused and dismayed. There is no spiritual enlightment for me this time; there are no insights. Just plain, simple confusion. Why me...AGAIN? Why now? What is the purpose? Surely there is one but I just don't see it. I am unbelievably disheartened by all this and tired of the whole thing. When do I get a stinkin' break?

How Dumb Are We Getting?

I am thoroughly convinced we are getting dumber every day. With each new technology and discovery that seems to point to our intelligence, we match it with equal stupidity. For example, do we really need warnings on coffee telling us it's hot? Or instructions on pop tarts explaining what to do with them?

Today as we waited for my brother and sister-in-law to fill out the paperwork for the boat rental at Bighorn Canyon, we found the instructions below on the microwave..."how to make a cold sandwich hot". They are a little blurry so I restated them below the picture, along with my own editorial of course.

Erica and I about died laughing!

Step 1 "Open both ends of the wrapper."

Step 2 "Set oven timer to letter code on the product label."

Step 3 "Place product in the microwave. Close door."

Step 4 "When oven turns off, remove from package and enjoy!"

Step 3 & 4 are particularly important. It won't heat if you don't actually place it IN the microwave. Nor can you start it if you don't close the door, thus your cold sandwich will never really get hot. Finally, DO NOT attempt to eat it before you take it out of the wrapper. This is very crucial to the digestion process.

HA HA! Hope this makes your day too!

Julie & Jane's Shared Journey

I absolutely loved every member of our TN mission team. Many of them were here last year and this year we had 2 new guys. Johnny and I hit it off from the first second, mostly because he just got right in my business and believe me, he never let up. But he wasn't rude or obnoxious about it. I love that.

But I made a special connection this year with Jane. Dear, sweet, quiet but feisty Jane. It was in a simple off-handed comment that I learned she struggled for 10 years with infertility. This opened the door for the two of us to talk about many things that only the childless-but-desperately-wanting-a-child can understand. It was one of those surreal times when you think to yourself "aha, I am not alone. I am not a freak. Someone else understands." The happy ending for Jane is that eventually she and her husband did have a child, a son who just graduated from high school this past spring.

On the Thursday they were here I was holding the child of someone in the church. It didn't seem like much to me because I always do it. I love babies. I love kids. Jane walked up to me and said, "I just want you to know you are so special and gracious with children. I'm not sure I could do that." My eyes welled with tears.

That Friday before VBS we sat together in the very first row of the church and had a really candid conversation. I so appreciated what she had said the day before. I got to share with her the truth--frequently I'm not so gracious on the inside but because of the ministry position Steve and I are in, I have no other choice. I told her about the day in April as I decorated my home and made food for a baby shower. I dropped some of the confetti as I spread it on the table. It was super cute too...baby bottles, pacifiers, buggies, the works. I got down to pick it up and found myself sitting on the floor in the midst of it, tears pouring down my cheeks. I was completely unable to stop them so I just gave in and sat there weeping. It caught me so off guard I didn't know what else to do. That day there was no facade, just me and my raw emotions on the floor of my dining room.

Jane understood. Her eyes brimmed with tears (as did mine) and her nod of affirmation did wonders for this weary heart. God sent Jane to me again this year to minister to my soul as only someone with the same experience could do. I never dreamed until that day that I was ministering to her as well. I needed to know I'm not alone and even though her outcome is different than mine, our souls are knit together through this life experience.

That, my friends, is what it's all about--living transparent lives with each other so we can encourage and minister to those in the same circumstance.

Not Primarily Concerned With My Happiness

"My husband is not concerned with my happiness." I love saying that. It generally draws a laugh or at the very least, raises the eyebrows. Being the jokester I am, getting a laugh is frosting on the cake! Whenever I say it and the laughter subsides, Steve always says "I think that deserves an explanation, don't you?"

Truth be told, the more accurate rendition is this: my husband is not primarily concerned with my happiness. He would like for me to be happy but he is far more concerned with what is best for me and that I find joy and contentment in that. Happiness is circumstantial and we can't always be happy about everything but we can persevere and have joy in the midst of it.

Think about it this way....good parents don't give their children everything to make them happy. Even if a child gets everything they want, it will last for a moment, they are no longer happy, and they want the next thing that they they think will make them happy. This creates a cavernous hole that has to be filled with more and more stuff to satisfy. It becomes an addiction.

Steve makes decisions that I am not always thrilled with and a not-so-uncommon conversation in our house is this:

J: I'm really not so happy about that. As a matter of fact, I don't like it at all.

S: Sorry to hear that. But it's what is best and this is what we need to do.

And so we do it. Not that I don't have input but I almost always react out of an emotion whereas Steve simply does not. He assesses the situation and makes sound, solid, Godly decisions.

This is not that different than how God relates to his children. He is not primarily concerned with our happiness either but with what is best for us. Sometimes we get to be happy in the midst and sometimes not so much. I don't believe for a second that the apostles were happy about their persecution--their imprisonment, beatings, stonings--yet repeatedly we read in Acts that "they were filled with joy." Do you think Job was happy in his suffering? No, but in the end he praised God out of it. Was David happy when his child died? He was not. He mourned, he wept, he pleaded with God. And when it was over he got himself together and praised God, much to the dismay and confusion of those around him. Was Joseph happy when he was thrown in jail or falsely imprisoned? Hardly but he trusted that God had a plan and he did not lose hope.

God sees the big picture and we do not.

So, the bottom line is this.....Steve (you could insert God in here too) is not primarily concerned with my happiness and I'm cool with that. Finally. It's been an exhausting journey to be on but alas, I have made it. All in one piece too.

Delightfully Frightened

That's my latest phrase....delightfully frightened. It encompasses our current status so completely. So here's the big news. I quit one of my jobs on Friday. It isn't something I did in haste, disgust, or anger. I don't hate it (but didn't love it either), I'm not disappointed, it's just time. I've been praying about it. Here's why. It's been an entire year since I've had a day off and 18 months since I've had a week off. I just couldn't keep doing it. The last 6 weeks I've not felt very well and I've seen some signs in my health that are alarmingly similar to when I was first diagnosed with MD. If I don't take heed, I will be sorry.

Something had to go and this was it. I know without a doubt I'm supposed to work at the church, I know I'm supposed to "work" for Steve in his ministry (in quotes because it is really work but no pay), and I know I'm supposed to keep up my household duties. To be honest, this job was just a paycheck and we've really needed it but it's the only thing I knew could go. So how do I plan to make it?

I have no earthly idea. Not a one. But stranger than that, I'm okay with it (those who know me well probably just fell over so I'm sorry for the injury). Delightfully frightened is how I described it to one friend. This means we will start each month in need of a particular amount and we are totally trusting God to come through. The reason I know it will work is because we are doing exactly what God wants us to do and in so doing, He obligates Himself to meet our needs. Obviously the key word is needs.

Let the season of miraculous provision begin!