I'm only on my second week of a new Bible study and it is seriously tearing my heart into a million pieces. It's a study on the book of James and honestly if I wasn't leading the group, I would be so tempted to quit. It is seriously in my business and my inclination is to run....as far as I can and as fast as I can. Yet I don't feel like that is an option. It is no accident that I am in this study, at this exact time, for a very specific purpose.
The verses we are on this week come from James 1:2-3. "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."
In this day's homework we were to think about a current trial we are facing. That part is super easy for me. I didn't even have to think about it. Almost as if on auto-pilot, my left hand picked up the pen and wrote "my diseases." The challenge was to name three different things I could do with what I'm going through and was further challenged to consider making one of those options to obey James 1:2. Consider it joy? Are you kidding me? I decided to play by the rules in spite of my initial reaction.
Considering it joy is one of the options I contemplated. After identifying the other two, I then had to list the fruit of each decision and what I believe the 5-year ramifications could / would be. As I pondered each one it dawned on me that regardless of what I choose, there is no guarantee or even a hint that I will be healed at the end of it. That thought added an entirely new dimension to my decision making.
Yesterday was EXCRUCIATING for my soul. It was almost too much for me to bear. I wept as I thought about the consequences of a wrong decision.
Tonight I shared all of this with Steve. I am suddenly aware that if I don't bring a few trusted people into this battle with me I am going to lose. I am fighting for my faith and not faring well going solo. It was through many tears and long pauses that I finally managed to get it out. I absolutely know what I should do but it is not what I want to do. I know all the right answers.
So much is at stake in my battle, just as is true for the battles you face. Tonight I am reminded of the following:
"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." ~ James 4:17
Of course that verse is in James. This book and this study are going to completely break me. I suppose that is the purpose.
