Growing Up

Saturday was a strange day of mixed emotions for me. I was able to look through Erica's senior pictures and choose which ones I wanted. I was so close to tears as I saw picture after picture and realized both how beautiful she is and how very grown up she has become. It seems like it happened overnight. A couple weeks ago as we searched for jeans to buy, I was overcome at the thought that it was just minutes ago I was buying her frilly dresses in the baby section.

Those pictures were a glaring reality that it was not just minutes ago, that she is almost 18, and she is becoming more my equal than my "little niece". While this is such an exciting time and I wouldn't change it for anything, a part of me can't help but wish she were still the crazy-haired little girl that held my hand as we crossed the street and fell asleep in my lap.

I was also longing for my dad to be here. I can see him bursting with pride looking at those pictures. This definitely would've been his time and seeing his grandchildren graduate was at the top of his list of important things. It's during these moments that I wonder why it was God's plan to take him when he did. It's a question I will never know the answer to but I visit it anyway. I know, I know, I'm a glutton for punishment.

Finally, I had a brief (seriously, it was brief!) moment of fear and an innate desire to protect her, follow her everywhere, and make sure the young men KEEP THEIR DISTANCE! Steve and I have long teased her, lovingly of course, telling her to make sure the guys she dates know that Steve is a sniper and they will never, ever know where he might be:) Right on the heels of the fear came the truth that God loves her far more than I do and he can protect her far better than I can. She has to grow up, pursue her hopes and dreams, and live her life just as the rest of us have done. I'm comforted to know that the bond we've spent years making will endure and long after this season passes we will still be aunt and niece but better than that, we will be friends.

The Chair

I haven't been very good about recognizing the funny things that happen every day. But yesterday there was such a glaring funny that I couldn't help but notice it. Steve and I had an appointment with our pastor and while we waited we sat down in the 2 chairs in the reception area. As I sat down I felt a distinct indentation in the center of the chair; however, I expressed it quite differently. Here's how it went:

"Hey, this chair has a butt-hole in it!"

Steve looked over at me and replied "Yes, it does."

I started laughing, one of the church admin assistant's started laughing, and then she went on to tell everyone after we went into his office. But it was good because given the chance, I would've too! I'm still laughing about it.

God is Funny

Last week I filled in leading a ladies Bible study. Of all the lessons in this 9-week study, this one was on trials. I chuckled when I made that discovery. God truly has a sense of humor! Of all the subjects in this world, I end up with trials...UGH. I shared with the ladies that had I not been leading, my inclination would have been to leave it unfinished. It was hard. But more than any other lesson, this is the one I really needed to finish.

I don't know if anyone else benefited nearly as much as I did. As difficult as the last 2 1/2 years have been, I could lead confidently and with credibility (is there anything worse than listening to somebody on a subject they have no knowledge on?). It was good for me on 2 fronts. As I prepared, I walked through all the trials but I also looked at the ways God has been faithful and the blessings I have received throughout. It's so easy to focus only on the suffering and yet in the midst of it all, there is also the obvious presence of God in my life. That is worthy of celebration.

Sometimes Getting What We Want Isn't That Great

I had a conversation with a friend who moved from Billings a few years ago. While she moved with her job, there was also an underlying reason which I don't have permission to share so I won't. But, at the time I knew it was not the right decision for her. She received counsel from godly women but she was so determined this is what she wanted to do that she really wasn't putting credence into what anybody else thought, most importantly what God wanted for her life.

I think it was one of those times when God said "okay, I've tried to stop you, but since you are so determined, I'm going to give you what you want." And with that came consequences for her choice. Since the day she moved, she's regretted it. She has tried desperately to get back here but the door is closed.

It's hard to watch a friend or family member suffer the consequences of their choices, particularly when you tried so hard to guide them in the first place. But we can't make somebody do something and we definitely shouldn't stand in the way when God allows the consequences to roll. All we can do is watch, encourage, help when possible, and pray.

And hopefully we learn from those mistakes. While God is sovereign, he's also given us a free will and with that will we make choices that sometimes aren't the best for us. And we must take the consequences that go with the choice. We also get the privilege of reward and blessings in those times when we do what we know God wants us to do.

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover

Last week in our staff devotions we heard the following kind-of-quote (I say kind of because I can't remember it exactly so I'm paraphrasing):

Be kind to everyone because you never know what heavy burden they are carrying.

Not too long ago I received a card from a woman I have just recently become acquainted with and am getting to know. She is truly one of the most encouraging people I've ever met. The thing that struck me most is that she wrote, "I didn't know you struggled with that. Before I got to know you I always thought you were strong, confident, and happy." My heart sank as I read those words--not because I thought she was being cruel, but because that is exactly how I want to be--always. But sometimes I'm not. I'm often scared, lonely, and sad. She saw through the facade and was basically saying "hey, you're a mess, just like me!" That's kind of why I think it's funny. The truth is we just don't know what's under the cover of that book until we read it.

So today I challenge you to be kind to everyone, even when they aren't, for the simple reason that you don't know what burden they have or how full of despair they are. Most often a kind response causes a change in behavior. But if it doesn't, you've still done your part and whether you think so or not, they will remember it.

They Like Me - They Really Do!

I decided today that everyone should have a dog. No matter what, my boys always like me--when I'm crabby, when I'm tired, when they're in trouble--they really like me. Unconditional love. Within seconds of being scolded, they're back at my feet.

This morning when I awoke, both of them were just seemingly happy. Wagging, jumping, rubbing their heads on me. They were thrilled I was up and paying attention to them. What a great way to start the day!

As I thought about this on my way to work, I thought about how God likes me; he really, really does. Of course I know he loves me, but he likes me too which is very different. Even when I'm crabby, tired and sinning, he still likes me. When I don't like myself, he likes me. He may not always like the behavior but me, he always likes. True, unconditional love.

I'm grateful today for the reminder that even when nobody else seems to love me or like me, God always does; and my boys do too!

Shade

Maybe it's because it is so stinkin' hot these days that I am reflecting on shade. That and the fact that I read a Spanish proverb that says "He who gets close to a good tree will have a good shade."

As soon as I read that, my mind recalled a verse I had committed to memory from Jeremiah 17:7-8. In case you're not familiar with that passage, here is what it says:

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

I'm astounded to realize anew today that I can be that tree providing good shade! I don't feel at all equipped or able to do so and I suppose that is the point--it's not because of something I do other than placing my confidence in the Lord. These days that is hard as I'm feeling really beat up and defeated but slowly I'll get there. As my last post said, I know victory is coming; at this point it's a matter of holding on until it gets here.

As a side note, do I really need to tout the value of memorizing scripture? I mean seriously, is this post not the poster child for that?

Breakthrough!

Last night was both amazing and intensely emotional for me. So much so that I awoke at 3 a.m. and was awake until 4:30 a.m. That NEVER happens to me! Sometimes it takes me a while to fall asleep because my mind won't stop working but last night it woke me out of a deep sleep. My mind just wouldn't stop and as I lay there, the tears rolled down my face. I literally wept. It probably would've been best to get up and write it all down but I didn't have it in me to move.

I have been in one trial after another for 2 1/2 years now -- the hits just keep coming. I know eventually God will grant me a period of rest and after last night I think we're closer than ever. He just didn't want to let me out of it until the purpose was revealed.

I spent a few hours with my mom last night and it was one of the sweetest times we've had since dad died (at least I think so). As I was talking through some things with her and recalling bits and pieces of conversations with others over the last year, everything just fit together. I swear I had a huge light bulb over my head.

I couldn't wait to get home and tell Steve about it. So many times in my life I approach a situation and have no idea why I do what I do, why I react in a certain way, etc. but now I believe I have found the source of most of my insecurities and the emotions are overflowing as a result. It's like all of a sudden so many things make perfect sense. The looming issue now is what I do with this revelation. I feel I am SSSSOOO close to freedom here.

Much processing to do, so little time.......for now I know I can't talk openly about the details and I don't how long it will be until I can or if I'll ever be able to but I do know victory is on the horizon.

Would You Want to Know Your Future?

Here's an interesting question, "If you could know what your future holds, would you want to know?" I ask that because it's on my mind today.

Someone asked me once, "Why doesn't God just tell me how long I have to wait for ______?" (Sorry I can't fill that blank in to protect the asker but surely you can fill it in for yourself.) This person went on to say that it would be so much easier to know the date or time when God would end our suffering, answer that one prayer, whatever. It caused me to pause for a minute before I could answer.

Here's my conclusion. No, it wouldn't be easier. Often there is such a big journey from point A to point B that we would be scared to death if we knew what the end result would be. And yet God gets us there, one step at a time and all of a sudden, it's not scary at all. Secondly, and probably most importantly is if we knew all that is to come we would not have any need to depend on God and trust him for today. In our demented minds we would be self-reliant. My personal experience is that when I rely on myself, I get messed up--and quickly too. The point of life is that we live today because we don't know what tomorrow will bring or if we'll even have tomorrow. The gift of time is such that by not knowing, we are obedient today and live life to the fullest today.

So as you ponder that, what do you think?

Snap Judgments

Steve's Bible study lesson yesterday was on Matthew 7 and we spent a great deal of time as a class discussing the meaning of this passage as it relates to judging others. The basics are this: first, we should not judge the heart or motives of what somebody does; however, we can judge what is right and wrong based on scripture. Secondly, we are not to judge the unbeliever because that is God's job.

Don't get me wrong, this is NOT about being tolerant of any and every behavior. We are called to distinguish between right and wrong, hate the sin, but always, always, always love the sinner.

This morning my devotion was about how first impressions are frequently wrong. I have to stop and ponder if God is trying to tell me something! I admit that I am quick to make judgments but not about what people drive or wear, etc. No, my judgments are more sophisticated than that (as if judgments can be sophisticated). I frequently find myself making assumptions about why a person did something. Most of the time I conclude it is to bother me, exclude me, make fun of me, and guess what? Most often, I am wrong. I spend precious time thinking poorly of someone only to find out I was the doofus.

There is hope though. I am learning to to ask questions like "What does that mean? Is this what you intended? Please correct me if I'm wrong but did you...?" It's making a world of difference too. Giving people the benefit of the doubt...HHHMMM...what a novel idea...

Still Tired...But All is Not Lost!

Another late night yesterday so I'm not nearly as refreshed as I had hoped to be today. However, I'm blessed to have a great imagination and an even better memory so I've pulled back into the archives and brought forth a time when I was truly at rest to get me through the day.

While Steve was in Iraq I went to visit my friend Sandra in Tennessee. She has the dubious honor of longest friendship (we met in a junior high girls Sunday school class and I have loved and respected her ever since). She allowed me a reprieve from life during that time and I am forever grateful she did. On the Sunday night I was there she had a prior engagement with a friend so I got to hang out in her quaint southern home, free to be or do whatever I wanted.

It was a chilly October day so I sat down in her over-sized chair and ottoman positioned in front of the fireplace with a blanket, book, Bible, journal, my thoughts, and a roaring fire. I read a while, wrote some, then stared outside at the gray evening or into the fireplace, then back to book, and so on. I got out from under the blanket only long enough to put another log on the fire and then snuggled up again to resume my aforementioned activities. It was incredible. It was one of those times when my soul was completely rested and in the midst of a very difficult, strange time in my life, I was at peace. I literally had nothing else to do but what I was doing and I could have done absolutely nothing had I chosen to do so.

No house to clean, no dog to look after, no meal to cook, no laundry to wash, no work duties to perform, and nowhere else to be. I don't recall ever experiencing such freedom before and while I've not been able to replicate it since, I certainly long for it. Perhaps that's why the memory is so special - it is unique. The timing, location, and circumstances of my life were all unique to that day, that moment. I seized the opportunity and lived completely in that moment alone. Even recalling it gives me an overwhelming sense of contentment.

Tired = Defeated

Have you ever noticed when you're tired that nothing seems right in your little world? That's how I feel today. Having the holiday in the middle of the week has messed me up. I need at least 8 hours to be functional but by the time I got home from my brother's last night, fed the dogs and gave them some "out" time (they'd been in their kennels for 7 hours), it was 1:30 a.m. before I got to bed. When the alarm went off at 6:30, there was no possible way I was getting up! So, 30 minutes later I literally forced myself out of bed and I'm exhausted. Okay, maybe I didn't force myself as much as Steve forced me out when he got home from work at 7 a.m.! As you might imagine from that little time table, I did not get my quiet time in this morning so that makes for a double "UGH!"

It's days like these that all those evil little thoughts penetrate my brain. Things I know to be lies are truth to me today and I'm too tired to whip my mind into shape. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, things like "man, could you be any more stupid?", "You're weak!", "You're failing at everything!", "You'll never have victory." And those are just the ones I can make public:)

I'm hopeful that I can fill my day with enough activity to keep my brain from making a trek into the desert of lies. Surely tomorrow will bring an oasis of spiritual and physical refreshment.

Free At Last

Happy 4th, enjoy your liberties, and remember our fallen heros! I think the appropriate words for today come from The Declaration of Independence. In an effort to shorten it a bit, I've left out the list of specific issues against the King of England.

INTRODUCTION

In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America.

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands, which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

PREAMBLE

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain Inalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

CONCLUSION

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Freedom Isn't Free

The first truth about freedom is this: FREEDOM ISN'T FREE. Obtaining freedom always costs, and maintaining or protecting freedom always costs. Many lives are sacrificed for freedom's sake. For those who have given to that cause, I am grateful. For 232 years thousands have given the ultimate sacrifice of their life for freedom in America and abroad. While we cannot repay their debt, we can honor them by carrying the torch, continuing the fight, and remembering their sacrifice.

The second truth is this: FREEDOM COMES WITH RESPONSIBILITY. We must continue to fight, to vote, and to sacrifice. Freedom is not ours to hoard. We must help others who are oppressed and unable to help themselves. We must look outside of ourselves and recognize that many long for what we have and they deserve it as well. We will be held accountable one day for what we did with our freedom and what a shame to be found lacking.

I'm honored to be married to a Marine -- to somebody who gets what this is all about and is completely willing to die for the cause of freedom. I'm also unbelievably thankful that he returned from Iraq as so many have not. Before Steve left we had a conversation driven really more out of my own fears than anything else. I said to him one night, "you know, you might not come back. You could die." He replied, "Yes, I know that and I'm okay with it." I burst into tears. He said "You're not crying for me - you're crying for you. Don't worry about me. If I live I'll be fine and if I die, I'll be fine because I know where I'm going." He went on to ask me, "What better honor is there than to die for your country? It's not such a bad way to go." At that moment, in my sadness, I found joy.

I'll leave you with one last thought today. If we wait until the wolf is in our own backyard or on our porch, it's too late. We lose. Freedom is no longer ours. If you need further proof, reflect on September 11, 2001.

What is Americanism?

Being fiercely patriotic, I am excited for the 4th of July! I love this holiday, not because it's a day off or some extravagant fireworks celebration, but because of what it means. FREEDOM. SACRIFICE. INDEPENDENCE. What beautiful words! As you ponder those words consider the quote below from Theodore Roosevelt. (Note: the picture to the right is Old Glory flying in Iraq. This is our personal flag that Steve sent up the pole when he was there. Way cool...)

“Americanism means the virtues of courage, honor, justice, truth, sincerity and hardihood—the things that made America. The things that will destroy
America are prosperity at any price, peace at any price, safety first instead
of duty first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life.”

My heart aches as I read the last sentence of that quote. If anything describes current-day America, that's it. I wonder if this is how Jeremiah felt as he wrote the book of Lamentations. Written between 586 and 575 B.C. he was eyewitness as Judah was being utterly destroyed by the Babylonians; surely he understood this aching. In verses 3:22-23 he writes:

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions
never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."