Let's Try This Again

The other day I did a post and less than 8 hours later I removed it. If you happened to see it in the meantime, it was really out of raw emotion. That's the reason it's gone.

However, the point of it is still heavy on my heart so now that I've thought about it, I can post with a little more clarity.

I did a baby shower last week and honestly, I'm sick of doing showers. Tired of spending my money and I always seem to be the "girl who does all the showers." I so love babies and I'm truly happy for those who have them. Life is beautiful. It should be celebrated. But to ask someone who will never have the joy of their own baby to repeatedly do showers for others in that position is really wearisome. Trust me in that.

The other thing that is really wearing on me is being asked (in a round about way) to be sympathetic and show compassion to those who "just want another baby". Believe me, I get that desire. But to stand in front of me with a beautiful child or two at your feet and cry because you're having a hard time getting pregnant again is just really ignorant and uncaring. Seriously, let's think it through. YOU HAVE ONE ALREADY. I do not. So you think it's a good idea to tearfully tell me how difficult you have it and how hard your life is while you wait? It is so not. You think I'll understand because I want one too but I don't understand. Is it too much for me to ask you to be grateful for the one(s) you have and enjoy them? Just one would have been more than enough for me.

Sorry, I just don't generally have it in me to reach out in that circumstance. I may get there but don't count on it.

As a side note, God and I really do have victory in this. I get and have accepted that children is not what God had for Steve and I. Many times it's something we're grateful for, especially as we run all over the place and not having to think about childcare is a huge blessing for us. But this will always be an unmet desire my entire life. While I accept it, I don't understand it. One day I will know and understand. Maybe here, maybe in eternity.

Until then, I will celebrate with you and be happy for you as your family grows. But I don't see myself being sad that you can only have 1, 2, or 3. Please don't ask me to be.