Funeral Funnies

Remember a couple of days when I mentioned I'd post a couple more funny things from the process of making funeral arrangements for my dad? Well, here goes. Thanks for waiting:)

The entire family squeezed into the office of a gentleman at the funeral home. I'm sure as we exited it appeared like a bunch of clowns coming out of a VW bug. We just kept coming out and coming out. Where'd we all fit? I don't know, but we did. Anyway, he was very gracious, allowing all 12 of us in there.

I'd spent some time looking through one of my dad's Bibles and found a couple of verses that seemed to mean a lot to him. After showing them to my mom and asking for her input, we decided to have Philippians 4:13, 19 in the program (I think that's what it's called). Anyway, as I read them aloud, here's how it went...FD is the funeral director:

J: "We have a scripture we've chosen for the inside."

FD: "Go ahead."

I proceeded to read the verses. I looked up to find FD staring at me. All I could do is look back.

FD: "What book are you reading from?"

I stared at him in disbelief. While it was only a few seconds, my mind swarmed with thoughts like "what's up with this guy? Hasn't he ever done a funeral before? Hasn't anyone ever requested a verse before? Is he for real? Is he insane?"

Rather than ask any of those questions, I very slowly said a half answer / question:

J: The bible.?!?.

Everyone erupted in laughter, except me of course. I totally didn't get it. All of a sudden my mother reached over, placed her hands across the Bible to flatten it and said "Philippians." Oh, that's what he wanted. He should have been a little more clear in his question. He seemed very grateful mom was there to ease his pain.

As if that weren't enough, I found myself with my foot in my mouth again, just a few short minutes later. Before we left the house that morning, my mom took me to the side, placed a picture in my hand and said she wanted that on the front of the program.

We sat in that office looking through books with pages of options for the front of the program. I had already told the FD that we had a picture we wanted to use and he did not mention one time that blank ones were available. So as we flipped pages, not a single one was blank. Nor did any of them have just a small border or something that would allow for the picture mom had chosen to be on the front. And the picture would have made dad proud--it was him with the grandbabies. I sat there knowing I had that picture my mom had her heart set on and not seeing any way to make it happen. I just couldn't accept that.

Finally, it caught my eye. There on the 5th or 6th page was a program front with a picture centered in the middle. I thought, "hey, maybe we can use that one and just replace the picture." It was an artist's rendition of Jesus. Don't even get me started on pictures of Jesus. Let's just say I'm not a fan and leave it at that. I sheepishly looked up, knowing I was requesting something that probably wasn't allowed but absolutely knowing I had to grasp any straw. I pointed at the picture and completely serious I asked:

J: "Can we use this one and replace Jesus with my dad?"

Everyone erupted in laughter again. I stammered trying to make them understand what I meant. Of course I didn't mean Jesus was replaceable, it was just that, well, you know...Finally my older brother said:

E: "Man, Julie, dad was good, but come on!"

They all laughed, again at my expense, and the FD said, "oh, we have blank ones if you want to use your own picture." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Why in the world didn't he say that when I told him mom had chosen a personal picture? It was good for a laugh anyway. And we needed as many as we could get. As an aside, here's the front of the program (I cut out the name for obvious reasons).

I'm sure you'll be so excited to know I made it through this entire post tear-free. Yep, as my dad promised, the good memories are beginning to overshadow the sorrow and grief.