Let's Try This Again

The other day I did a post and less than 8 hours later I removed it. If you happened to see it in the meantime, it was really out of raw emotion. That's the reason it's gone.

However, the point of it is still heavy on my heart so now that I've thought about it, I can post with a little more clarity.

I did a baby shower last week and honestly, I'm sick of doing showers. Tired of spending my money and I always seem to be the "girl who does all the showers." I so love babies and I'm truly happy for those who have them. Life is beautiful. It should be celebrated. But to ask someone who will never have the joy of their own baby to repeatedly do showers for others in that position is really wearisome. Trust me in that.

The other thing that is really wearing on me is being asked (in a round about way) to be sympathetic and show compassion to those who "just want another baby". Believe me, I get that desire. But to stand in front of me with a beautiful child or two at your feet and cry because you're having a hard time getting pregnant again is just really ignorant and uncaring. Seriously, let's think it through. YOU HAVE ONE ALREADY. I do not. So you think it's a good idea to tearfully tell me how difficult you have it and how hard your life is while you wait? It is so not. You think I'll understand because I want one too but I don't understand. Is it too much for me to ask you to be grateful for the one(s) you have and enjoy them? Just one would have been more than enough for me.

Sorry, I just don't generally have it in me to reach out in that circumstance. I may get there but don't count on it.

As a side note, God and I really do have victory in this. I get and have accepted that children is not what God had for Steve and I. Many times it's something we're grateful for, especially as we run all over the place and not having to think about childcare is a huge blessing for us. But this will always be an unmet desire my entire life. While I accept it, I don't understand it. One day I will know and understand. Maybe here, maybe in eternity.

Until then, I will celebrate with you and be happy for you as your family grows. But I don't see myself being sad that you can only have 1, 2, or 3. Please don't ask me to be.

Mr. Stingy Pants Times Two

I haven't posted a picture of the world's cutest dogs in a while so here goes. Each dog has their own kitty but promptly decided they'd get one over on the other by taking the wrong kitty. Thus Jake has the big one, Sam the small one.

Here's what Sam does from time to time. He parades around Jake until we notice he has both. In his defense, Jake does something similar. Since his mouth is too small for even one, he will lay by both of them and Sam is terrified to approach him for one. I guess it's equal treatment.

Notice both hanging out of his mouth?

And if you look to the right, you'll see that second kitty right next to Jake. It clearly says "stay away, they are both mine."

God's People are Fickle

The last few days I've been wondering why God's people are so stinkin' fickle. That's right, I said F I C K L E.... inconsistent....unpredictable....indecisive.....and erratic! Of all the people on the planet, we should be those others can count on, be true to our word, and even when things get tough, we stick in there because it's the right thing to do.

How is it possible for people to sit IN MY HOME a month ago enjoying dinner together (and it was a great one too, I'm famous for my fabulous cooking!), say how they believe in the work we're doing, that God is in it, and they are fully committed with us and then this week hop to another church? As if that isn't perplexing enough, they didn't even tell us first. People we consider friends...did...not...tell...us! We found out second hand and called them.

The reason doesn't even have a spiritual basis. They still love us. They still believe in what we're doing. They still know God is in it. They don't want to go. There is no conflict. No hurt feelings. Nobody looked at them funny or criticized them. (sorry if it's driving you crazy but clearly I can't divulge their reason)

They've encouraged us, supported us, loved us, and served us.

The only explanation I've got is "fickle". I'm sticking with it.

When It's Too Much

Last week as I prepared for my presentation and in keeping with their theme of mystery, I contemplated the question, "what do you when the circumstances in your life are not what you planned or too much to handle and it seems like God is not there or far away?"

Here are the basic points although while speaking them they were peppered with ad lib comments and stories because what I do in the moment is always different than what I write ahead of time. I frequently play off the crowd or God puts something in my mouth I hadn't planned on saying. However, I'm sure you'll get the gist. I further realized as I pondered these that they sound like "churchy" answers and they sound simple enough but they truly are difficult in action.

First, it begins with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I don't know how people get through things like death, loss, hatred, etc. without Him. Those situations are then hopeless. 1 John 1:9 tells us how simple it is - confess with your mouth and believe in your heart.

But what about those who know Christ and are walking with Him, what are we to do? What happens when everything begins to stack up and we just can't see God in the middle of it?

Make a choice to believe God. Not believe in God, but actually believe Him. Get over what you feel and rely on what you know. God never left you. Joshua 1:5 & 7 tell us that God will never leave us or forsake us. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us God has a plan and purpose for your life. It is not haphazard or accidental to Him. God knew you in your mother's womb and ordained every single day before one of them came to be (Psalm 139). Believe God's word.

Trust God. In a world where everyone will let us down eventually, God is the one we can fully and completely trust. Psalm 37:5 tells us "commit your way to the Lord. Trust in Him." And Romans 8:28 tells us that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. You will never go wrong trusting God.

Pray. We really underestimate prayer but few other things compare to the power we have when we pray. But what about those times when we don't know what to pray or can't stop crying long enough to pray? Guess what? God handles that too. Romans 8 tells us the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. So many times I can barely eek out "help me" but it's good enough because God honors the desire and act of prayer.

Let God comfort you and hold you up. Face it--your neediness will eventually exhaust every single earthly relationship you have. But you can never exhaust Christ. He is the only one who can take the full extent and deep cavity of your needs and love you at the end of it. Let those around you off the hook! 2 Corinthians 1 tells us He is the God of all comfort.

Lastly, praise God through it. What kind of faith does it take to praise God when things are going well? Not much. But what about when things are going badly? Job 1:21 tells us the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised. We may never have answers to some questions this side of Heaven but we can sure ask. However, when God chooses not to answer our questions, we must accept that and continue in our praise and worship of who He is. The truth is, God doesn't owe us anything, not an explanation, not an answer. Some things we just can't understand in our humanness. Isaiah 55:8 says "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord."

Life is hard. Life is a mystery. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, let alone next year. We need a Savior who is in control of it all. We desperately need His help. That's the only way we'll be able to get through this mystery we call life.

Thinking Lapse

Steve and I went to a birthday part of a 3-year-old Saturday evening. Here's the memorable conversation that ensued after she opened a gift of sidewalk chalk (R is her aunt; G is her grandma):

R: You can use that to write on the sidewalk and in the driveway!

G: But you can't write in the street.

Julie: Why can't she write in the street?

Silence.

G: Because of the traffic in the street!?!

Julie: Oh, yeah. I thought maybe it was some weird town ordinance in Laurel or something.

Steve: See now why God didn't give us any children?

Laughter. Laughter. Laughter.

Seriously - it never crossed my mind about playing in the street. All my mind could focus on was what a weird town law that was. You know how when you get focused on one line of thinking and you just can't see around it? That was me during this conversation.

I'm sure now my friend's parents think I'm a total idiot and they'll be frightened every time we watch their granddaughter. Of course there was that one time we put her in a dog crate...but it was totally her idea.

Recap

Last night was truly an amazing night to watch God at work. I didn't have the amount of time I normally like to have before I speak to a group so I was counting on God to come through. And come through He did!

There were a couple of things I hadn't planned on saying but out of my mouth they came and went directly to the hearts of specific women who later shared with me their similar stories. In both cases they needed a connection with someone else who understood their situation.

My sister, Shiela, ended up saying "yes" to my very last minute invitation. I wasn't sure how the roads would be and I didn't want to go alone. Steve was willing to go but really wasn't looking forward to sitting in the car for almost 3 hours so he was thrilled.

The presence of God was palpable. It took us 45 minutes to make it out the church doors as one woman after another came to say "it felt like you were speaking directly to me" or "it seems like you know me so well". All I could say is "it's all God." When a group of women I've never met feel like I know them well enough to speak into their hearts or lives, it has to be the Spirit of God working in the crowd.

I'm amazed that God would use me, that He can see through all my inadequacies and pull something up to honor Him. May I never become so proud or arrogant that I begin to think it's because of me. I hope I always just remain the vessel that God uses.

It's All A Mystery

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. ~ Job 1:21b

This was a memory verse for me earlier this year and I chose it because it reminds me that everything I have is from God and if he chooses to take it away, my response should still be praise.

I'm using it in a presentation I'm giving tomorrow at a ladies' event in Absarokee. Their theme is "mystery" and in trying to keep with their theme, I have decided (actually been lead) to talk about how God himself is a mystery, life is a mystery, and what our response should be when it seems as if God is far away or not engaged. Basically I'm answering the question, "What do you do when it all seems like too much? When you seemingly can't go on?"

I hope to serve them well and on some level, bless them even a little bit. I may recognize a face or two in the crowd but don't really know any of these women and have never even met their women's ministry leader. We talked for quite some time on the phone (you know, that Spirit connection) but I've never seen her face. All that makes me a bit nervous!

The biggest mystery of all is why I'd be asked to be the speaker. That, I truly don't get--aside from God of course.

A GREAT Easter Day

Happy Resurrection Day! Oh what meaning this day gives to our faith - it is everything.

Today turned out to be even better than a usual Easter. To be honest, this weekend has been sad for me the last couple of years because we were making funeral arrangements and preparing to bury my dad on Easter Day 2006. But I'm making great progress in turning the sadness of the loss into great memories.

So, I learned on Thursday that the guy put in charge of sound / audio / video / computer this weekend had opted to use the same crew for all 3 services at EBC. His reasoning was because there were so many out of the ordinary things it would be better to use the same people as they would know what to expect for each service. Obviously this didn't include Steve and I as we can't do all 3 services. Okay, cool. As I drove home from rehearsal I just couldn't wait to call Steve because I realized we'd get to worship together for the first time in 4 years. Seriously. He left for Iraq just about 4 years ago and by the time he got home I was already working in the sound booth and he decided to join in on his weekends off from the YCSO. By the time he joined the church staff, he was a necessary fixture. But, it gets better...this was the first time we got to sit in the new worship center for a worship service. I was ECSTATIC! I so thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Then we headed to Calvary as is our custom and Steve bolted out a phenomenal sermon. The Holy Spirit completely covered him. He laid out the gospel so beautifully and he never forgets the seriousness of the responsibility he's been given. This week was a rough one for him because he had a funeral to do as well which took a lot away from his sermon prep time. But God pulled it altogether simply because Steve was willing and open.

After that we scrambled over to my momma's for a great Easter dinner. My brother and his wife even came down from Great Falls. I haven't seen him since Christmas so that was fun for us too.

And now I'm relaxing in the comfort of my living room with my very handsome husband in the chair next to me and 2 adorable, well-behaving dogs (for now anyway).

Some Easter Humor

A friend sent these to me and I thought they were hilarious:

I So Blew It!

Today Steve and I had lunch with some friends (and we ate outside no less - yeah spring!) who had just experienced a really bad morning together. As is frequently the case, they both made mistakes that only made the situation worse for the other.

We were together almost 2 hours and depending on who you talk to, progress may or may not have been made. I went to work after that and as I worked and listened to my iPod, I realized how badly I'd blown it. I didn't serve my friend very well. In retrospect there were signs I should have picked up on telling me to back off a little bit but I didn't see them at the time.

It's not that what I said was wrong, it's just that she wasn't ready to hear it. She probably felt ganged up on too. Man, we really love these guys. We totally had their best interests at heart.

I tried to call her but got her voicemail...maybe on purpose or maybe not, I don't really know. So, I simply said, "Hi, it's Julie. I just wanted to call and tell you I realize I didn't serve you very well today. I'm so sorry. I'll try to catch up with you later." I wanted to say so much more than that but it just didn't seem right to do so.

Lesson learned. Even good advice, when not ready to be received, is not appropriate. I've had others do it to me so I really should know better. Hopefully she calls me soon....

Thanks For Being Sick

Last Thursday marked the start of the annual SBC Conference. This year it was at Emmanuel. I had so much to do that I really hadn't planned on going....too busy (more on that word in a second). Then it happened. Steve got really sick. That never happens. He might get a sniffle here and there but it's been 7 or 8 years since he's been in-the-bed-sick. He left work mid-morning and spent the rest of the day throwing up.

The problem? Aside from the obvious, he had jobs to do at the conference. So, I became his pinch hitter. And I'm so glad. Here was our conversation in his office after it concluded on Saturday:

J: I know why you were sick Thursday & Friday.

S: Oh yeah, why's that?

J: It was for me. I needed to hear Dr. Rankin speak and I wouldn't have come if I didn't have to fill in for you. God knew I desperately needed to be there. So, thanks for being sick.

S: Sure, anything for you.

This year's theme was "Living Like A Missionary" and while there were other speakers I didn't get to hear (because I had to work during the day), I did get to hear the featured speaker - Dr. Jerry Rankin, President of the SBC's International Mission Board. He was phenomenal! I really wish I could have taken notes while listening rather than working in the sound booth while I listened. I'll have to get the DVDs. In the meantime I recalling a few things:

You need not go to a foreign land to live like a missionary--we're all called to be missionaries, wherever God has us.

This one I frequently forget. After all, being a missionary is really about proclaiming the gospel and living out a Christ-centered life while loving the people around you, wherever that is.

BUSY is an acronym for being under Satan's yoke.

I like that. I'd also heard it as the "captivity of activity" before which is also good. It was a reminder that ministry is not about doing things. It's easy to get caught up doing this and that, running here and there, all the while forgetting it's about WHO we're serving, not what we're doing. Good word.

You can't say "I've already been there and done that" as it relates to serving. NO! Get up off your backside, find a younger woman, and TEACH HER!

This came from the panel discussion and the women's speaker, Esther Burroughs. I heard very little of her because she spoke to the women mostly during the day. But what I did hear, I loved every single word. We hear this a lot...well, I used to serve...but....BUT WHAT? You're too old? No such thing--ever--in scripture. You serve until God takes you home.

And almost lastly, I loved the story he shared about the SBC missionaries killed while serving in Iraq. They'd been there 2 months when 4 of the 5 died from a terrorist attack. The one who survived had 21 gunshot wounds and had to be put in a medically induced coma because of the severity of the injuries. One of the women wrote a letter to her pastor to be read in case she didn't make it home. Here's a line from it:

I have no regrets. Glory to God! Glory to God!

A life of serving God, including giving your life, and no regrets. That is definitely something to aspire to. Finally, Dr. Rankin told of the funeral of a couple (he was a doctor) who had sold everything to go to the mission field. They, too, were martyred. At their funeral one of their children said:

Their lives weren't taken, they gave them. The day they went to the mission field they laid their lives on the altar and died to themselves daily.

And in the comforts of my surroundings, I often think I've got it tough and it's all too much. Oh, that I would learn to put it in perspective.

Quotable

This is a line from the last video of the Esther series. I was sad to have this study end. What an amazing journey it was with 2 groups of amazing women. I will never be the same.

I don't know if Beth Moore is the first to say this but she is definitely the first one I heard say it so until I know differently, I credit her.

"When all is said and done, all God said will be done."