My Bible study lesson today hit me right between the eyes. Have you ever felt like there will never be victory over the one thing in your life? Maybe two or three things? That's exactly how I feel today. Like a complete failure. Again. There is no hope (in my mind) of ever winning.
The problem with continual failure in one area (or more) is that eventually I can't see my way out of it and I forget where I came from and from what I've been delivered. It's a perpetual defeat cycle. I cried last night as I tried to express to Steve the daily torment I have over this. I cried again this morning as I questioned whether God even hears me on this anymore.
And then I read this (keep in mind I'm studying Esther or it won't make sense): "He who delivered you from infertility can deliver you from inconsistency. He who delivered you from a Pharaoh can deliver you from any Haman. Remember who you are." 1
In my case, deliverance from infertility was a true reality. I wasn't delivered by God giving me children. He did not. But he delivered me out of the destructive cycle associated. Part of my problem is that in the midst of a new cycle of defeat I don't stop to remember all the Pharaohs I've been delivered from and how faithful God has been.
Don't get me wrong, I did not have sudden victory this morning. That's absolutely not the case. It was simply a reminder and conviction that in this one particular area of consistent failure, I am not without hope. I have a long battle to be sure but the same God who delivered me from so many other things can deliver me from this as well. The questions are this: When? Will he or does he want me to bear up under it?
Better yet, what will I do if the answer is not what I desire?
1 Taken from Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman by Beth Moore; p74.
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