Give Thanks

Normally ascribed to a post around Thanksgiving, this title may be misleading. The truth is we tend to think about thankfulness more around that time of year but it's truly an attitude we should have all day, every day.

I'm in a study with a few women about the heart. Our lesson Tuesday morning was on the attitude of the heart and gratefulness. Much of our problem with contentment is lack of thankfulness. If we learn to be thankful for the things we have, the friends we have, the family we have, and the blessings we receive, we will soon find we don't have much to complain about. Do we have as much as someone else? Of course not! Do we have more than others? Absolutely! There will always be someone we know who has more or who we perceive has more or better. But look the other direction and you'll find someone else who has less than you do....and may quite possibly be more content.

Matthew 12:34 tells us "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." To be quite honest, I haven't been 100% thrilled with what's come out of my mouth or at least mulled around in my head these past few challenging months. God is using this latest test to show me there is some stuff in my heart that needs to be cut out.

After having this lesson yesterday, today I was put to the test. Here's the story:

I arrived 15 minutes early today for my medical test, as requested by the facility. My appointment was scheduled for 11:30. My mom went with me because Steve didn't feel he could today and while I was totally prepared to go by myself, it was quite a blessing having her there.

Initially I was quite impressed as they had me all checked in and ready by 11:35. Having spent many, many hours in doctor's offices, I knew this was fairly unbelievable.

"Unheard of!" I thought to myself...yeah, right.

At 12:39 (yes to the minute) they came to get me. Normally I would have been annoyed at waiting over an hour for an appointment they had asked me to be 15 minutes early for in the first place. Today I was not. I was really enjoying the conversation with my mother and having taken my first dose of prednisone, I was actually not doing that poorly. As a funny aside, my mom had just stepped down the hall to use the restroom because we finally decided it would be forever before they came. Literally 30 seconds later the woman walked up to call me. Of course that would happen. I explained I was waiting for my mom to return and sit with the coats and purses. She asked who the appointment was for - me or my mom. I said "me". She told me to throw the coat over the purses and it would be fine. Um, no, not going to happen. I assured her she'd be right back. She told me in a disgusted voice that if I wasn't ready they'd have to come back later to get me. READY!?!? I'd been waiting over an hour! I smiled and simply said my mom would be back in just a minute and since it was already an hour past my appointment I didn't see harm in waiting just a minute for me. Amazingly, she did! And she wasn't even crabby at me either.

Okay, I'm getting to the relevant part but the set up will help you understand how truly amazing this is. We walked to the back where I sat in my 3rd waiting room. The door to the room was oversize and there was a phrase about 10-12 inches high and the width of the door in capital letters...."GIVE THANKS".

I honestly almost bawled. After she took more information from me she put a needle in my vein for the I.V. which was about the size of my little finger. Seriously, it was huge and I don't normally flinch or feel it being inserted but this one was something else. I looked up at her and said "you know, I don't like that so much." She smiled and said most people don't. She walked out of the room and as I waited another 10 or 15 minutes I gave thanks for everything I could think of until she came back, including having her as my technician.

This was God's reminder for me today to have an attitude of thankfulness, even though nothing was going as scheduled and it wasn't pleasant or comfortable but in the midst of it I have reason to be grateful. It was truly an amazing spiritual time while having a physical, medical test.

Mom and I then walked across the street and shared a $5 sub sandwich. I felt horrible for what I decided had wasted the bulk of her day but she honestly didn't mind. We had a fabulous time together before I dropped her off and headed home.

Thankfulness. It's such an easy concept to understand although more difficult to practice. If we just focus for a minute, we can find much to be grateful for every single day. This is a lifestyle habit I intend to become much better at. The result are quite probable to be eternal.

A Middle of the Night Revelation

I was awakened last night (well, actually early this morning) by the unbelievable pain that has become a part of my every day existence in this less than comfortable season of my life.

After spending all day yesterday sleeping and/or laying around, I tucked myself in bed just before 9 pm and was in a deep sleep shortly after. When I looked at the clock, it was 2:30 am and I was thoroughly disgusted. I knew by the way I felt it would be a long few hours while I waited for morning to come. I so hate that feeling and am glad it doesn't happen to me very often.

I knew there was no point in getting up to take anything because nothing is touching the pain and all it creates is a big stomach ache so I may as well just stay in the warmth of the blankets. As happens to me so easily these days, I began to softly cry, trying very hard not to wake Steve. I whispered "God, I don't understand. Please help me understand. I just need help." My spirit was in utter turmoil and as I continued to pray I felt the overwhelming peace God promises his children--the peace that passes all understanding. No, I did not get any answers into what is wrong with me or any divine diagnosis. I didn't get an audible answer but I knew in my spirit that God knows what is wrong. He knows how to fix it. Perhaps it's just not time. But He knows.

I also realized that for 2 months I've been telling myself, "just hang on until you get to the specialist. Then it will all be fine." That's a lie. That's a strong sentence to type, let alone say to yourself, but it's true. This has nothing to do with me getting into the specialist. He is not the end of the line. Nor is he the beginning. He simply is a method God may (or may not) choose to use to help my physical health. But there is nothing in the arsenal of a physician that will or won't work without the healing of God. He alone is the true physician. The others are merely conduits of His work. I inadvertently put my faith in this specialist to make me better. In essence, I am giving him potential glory that belongs solely to God. I shudder at this thought and how easily this process consumed me. I did not set out to do this. I didn't intend to put someone else in the place of God. And yet I have.

No, neither of these revelations healed me in my sleep--at least not physically. But they really catapulted me spiritually into a different place. Whether I experience a miraculous healing or I spend the next several years in some sort of treatment is yet to be seen. But I do know it's not hopeless and it's not the human agent(s) that will get me there.

Finally at 5:30 am I drifted off to sleep albeit for a mere 45 minutes before I had to get up for a doctor's appointment. And I feel better today than yesterday. Call me crazy (and you wouldn't be the first) but I attribute this to my spiritual breakthrough because it's really about the spiritual warfare going on all around me.

Now I wait for the medical answers. And I will continue to pursue testing as we deem appropriate. There will be good days and bad days. Some I may have to stay in bed, others I may be fortunate enough to get up and function. Most days I will have to depend on others to get me through and learn to accept help. But through it all, I must remain focused on the hope that resides in me. Not positive thinking and not a pull-myself-up-by-my-bootstrap mentality.

As a total aside, Steve has proven to me once again why he's my hero. Blondie, you know what you've had to do for me, day in and day out, and I am grateful beyond words. It's not easy to accept the kind of help you've had to provide and I'm so glad it's you. Thank you for not making me feel like a burden and having such tenderness I'm not humiliated beyond belief.

A Not-So-Simple Day of Rest

We left for vacation on Friday, January 29th but that day of flying was anything but restful. It wasn't horrible, mind you, it just isn't exactly restful bouncing from airport to airport. Saturday we made our way to the ship and spent much of the remainder of the day orienting ourselves to where everything was. Then it came. Sunday. I don't discount the fact that it was what we generally consider our weekly "day of rest" which for me, is anything BUT that.

That day, January 31, 2010 was completely different than nearly any other day, at least in recent memory. After breakfast Sara and I made our way up to the pool deck (aka Deck 11) with books and diet Coke in hand. I also had my camera, Bible, and study book. She lounged herself in the sun and within minutes I moved my chair to the comfort and safety of the shade (need I remind anyone of my freak lip thought to be caused in some cases by overexposure to sun?). Sometime later Steve appeared and told he had discovered Deck 4....the quiet deck where you could really hear the ocean and enjoy the quietness of gentle cruising, the only agenda for the entire day to get us to our first destination. Given how Deck 11 had become a bustling center of activity, I was more than ready and happy to retreat for a while.

I made my way to the elevator and glided to my haven of peacefulness. The chairs didn't lounge completely but I still found them more than comfortable, particularly with a second one drawn close for my feet. Steve pulled a chair to the rail (in the sun) and stuck his feet out for sunning. He so loves the heat--the hotter, the better for him. He's officially a nutball. I stayed back a few feet in the shade, opened my Bible and study book and did a few lessons. The warm Caribbean breeze was a welcome friend. By then Sara had joined me.

All of a sudden I was completely overwhelmed by a new thought--nearly to the point of tears. I turned my head to her and said, "I seriously have nothing to do today. Nothing I have to do anyway." She nodded. The thought so permeated my brain and soul I could hardly contain myself. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Nowhere to be, no cleaning, no cooking....did I mention nothing? I didn't even have to get out of bed that morning.

I rested, not in the sleep sense, but truly rested my mind and my spirit. I was nearly perfectly at peace with my sunglasses on, my iPod playing softly in my ears, and the wake of the boat drifting off behind me.

The essence of rest. The lesson was not lost on me although the logistics are lagging far behind. It's in Genesis where God tells us the importance of a day of rest. I mean, really, if God took one, shouldn't I? It's not that He needed it but rather an example He set for me because as my creator, He understands my physical need for rest. The irony of all ironies for me is that I used to take Sunday as a day of rest and I remember all too well how the rest of my week was so much better. Yet since our dive into full-time ministry I feel like I no longer have time. How ridiculous is that? Now, more than ever is when I need a day of rest.

But it's not so simple without removal from every day life. All I know is that I must figure it out because it's not likely such a vacation will come along frequently. This one was a true gift and provision from God himself, perhaps for this very reason.

Feeble Attempts at Staying Strong

There is nothing in the world that cane make me irrational quicker than health issues. Well, there is one group but I best not go there now. It doesn't matter how many almost positive things the doctor says, I become focused on the worst-case-scenario possibilities. Truly I think that makes me human, not abnormal.

For the past several months as I've struggled with various health issues, I have really attempted to be strong and run at whatever comes my way with unwavering faith. In my head I can plot it out perfectly and have the most amazing response. But in reality, I barely hold it together long enough to get to the car before the tears stream down my face. Today I didn't even make it out of the office.

My saving grace this afternoon was that Steve went along and just having him there makes me a little stronger. I can only imagine how I would have fallen apart had I been there alone. Truth be told, I am tired of going to the doctor. They are trying so hard to find a diagnosis yet while I wait I feel worse and worse. Today I found myself wondering why God has given me such a big job to do yet is making it physically impossible for me to do it.

I guess that's the point...God doesn't want me to do it. He wants to do it through me. And oh, what glory there will be when it's accomplished while I'm struggling with health problems! But I don't like it. I wish I could say "come what may" and learn whatever lessons I need to or be open to allowing someone else to learn a lesson through my tenacity. I would love to be strong regardless of how I feel. But for now, I'm weak. Not feeling well physically affects me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Oddly, the financial aspect of all this has not even made me flinch. Part of it is because I have a flex spending, medical savings kind of account but even so, this is huge progress for me. I'll pay it when I can, as much as I can and regularly but I'm not worried about it even a little. And with that I'll rejoice and close this post because I'm so swollen I can barely move my fingers.

An Amazing Amount of Faith

When I grow up I want to have as much faith as my husband. He's completely unwavering in his dedication to and the growth of his faith. Even when things don't turn out the way he prays they will, he still stands strong and firm in what he knows to be truth. Amazing isn't even a big enough word to describe it.

Several months ago we really felt like I was supposed to quit my second job. Steve simply said "do it." Me? Not so much. The number cruncher I am, I put a pen and paper to it. "Nope," I declared, "it doesn't work. Can't do it." I continued to work a couple more months. Things got tougher and again I knew I should quit. With Steve's assuring nod of approval I did so. I knew at the time we would be short every single month but Steve was so confident I really believed too. I began to keep a journal of God's faithfulness so I would know exactly how God provided. It's been staggering to reflect on.

Before I tell you what those entries total, I'll share a perfect example. In October it was decided we would spend New Year's with Steve's family, courtesy of free airfare provided by one of the brother's frequent flyer miles. Provision #1. My next question was, "well, what are we going to do about money once we get there?" We had a place to stay and transportation but what about meals and activities? Steve told me he would handle it. This was so hard for me because I'm the money person in the house and I already knew there was no possible way we could make it happen. As a matter of fact we didn't even have a Christmas budget and now he thinks we can add this too? Sure. You'd think after having an amazing vacation handed to us that will take place in January I'd not waver. If only I weren't such a doofus. Sadly, I am.

A couple weeks after his declaration that he'd handle it I asked Steve how his plan was going. His reply was "it's going." Another week went by and I asked again. Same answer. I couldn't stand it. I asked, "do you even really have a plan?" "Yep," he said. "Okay, what is it?" I asked. With much conviction he said, "I'm praying for it." Now, the story would be great if I told you I was sure and gung-ho about the results but I seriously was not. S-K-E-P-T-I-C-A-L best describes my outlook. I continued to check in periodically growing increasingly skeptical as time flew by. Finally I said "you know, we leave in 2 weeks." He said he knew that and it wasn't time to get on the plane so by his calculations, God still had time to provide.

Want to know what happened next? Between December 15th and 24th we received not only enough money while we're in NH but we have also received our spending money for our cruise, money for new tires, our shortage for the month, and a little to hang on to for our next need. Ironically, Steve's computer died last week so maybe that's what the extra was for and God just knew it would happen before it did so He gave that in advance.

My outlook is now S-H-O-C-K. I absolutely should not be shocked. We work for and serve the God who owns it all. To him, this money is a mere drop in the bucket. It's huge for us but it's almost as if He's saying "really, that's all you needed? No problem." He completely wowed me but I think it's more the result of Steve's never ending faith and belief that God can and will answer his prayers. Not just for our true needs like housing, food, clothes, etc. but also for the desires of his heart....sometimes.....even if his wife hasn't arrived yet.

Since I quit my second job, God has given us double what I would have made had I continued to work at Coke. I don't think He would have done this had I not quit because it was a matter of obedience. My desire for 2010 is that I would strive to believe God, not just believe in God. Those two things are very different. I'm long over New Year's resolutions and the up and down of failing to attain things that are so superficial it's ridiculous. But this one God will honor because it's a matter of His heart--and mine.

Merry Christmas!

All In The Pursuit of Beauty

Last night I caught about 10 minutes of some show that was highlighting an online business selling something like botox. The site further had videos showing exactly how and where to inject the stuff. This site was not owned or run by doctors yet woman after woman purchased from this site to look younger and feel better about themselves.

They were trying to save a few bucks. The end result was an absolute disaster. Most of these women have since spent thousands of dollars trying to fix what they did to themselves. One woman actually said "I have no one to blame but myself." At least she realizes it. One of the doctors who is working on her now said that even though he's done thousands of these procedures, he would never perform one on himself. It's simply too dangerous. He said the product, if injected in the wrong place, could cause blindness, nerve damage, irreparable scarring.

One woman in Korea who was a former model injected vegetable oil in her face. The end result was a completely disfigured face. She'll never model again to be sure.

All of this for the pursuit of beauty....a fleeting beauty no less. Vanity is perhaps closer to the truth. When Steve came upstairs I was telling him about it and we had what I consider a fairly interesting conversation. In the end we concluded that this is sinful behavior. Now, if a person has reconstruction or plastic surgery as the result of cancer, an accident, combat or the like, that makes total sense. It's not a matter of vain pursuit of beauty. But to remove a wrinkle due to laugh lines or simple aging is the sign of someone trying to find their worth and value in their physical appearance. This is wrong.

I've been thinking about this all day. I totally believe in taking care of oneself and doing what we can but to think we can stop the aging process or become more valuable with surgery is going down a road with dangerous consequences. Not to mention it won't work long term.

These women tried to remove small wrinkles. To them they were huge. Now they have huge scars, have spent thousands of dollars and in the end their small wrinkle is no longer the problem. Every one of them said they now think they look hideous. One wouldn't show her face on camera. The very thing they tried to attain eludes them still.

This is one of the reasons I think it's so important to learn where to find our value. It's why I'm passionate about it. It isn't in what we do, who we marry or give birth to, or what we look like. It's who we are in Christ. That's the only thing that will increase our beauty as the wrinkles come. It will cause us to give of ourselves in service to others, to love others and make an impact for eternity.

This is one message I'll share until the day I die--not only for the reasons stated above but also because I've struggled more often than not with staying grounded with this. It's so easy to get caught up and before I know it, that stronghold is back. I must be on guard against it at all times. We all must. And more importantly, we must teach the next generation the truth.