For the past several months as I've struggled with various health issues, I have really attempted to be strong and run at whatever comes my way with unwavering faith. In my head I can plot it out perfectly and have the most amazing response. But in reality, I barely hold it together long enough to get to the car before the tears stream down my face. Today I didn't even make it out of the office.
My saving grace this afternoon was that Steve went along and just having him there makes me a little stronger. I can only imagine how I would have fallen apart had I been there alone. Truth be told, I am tired of going to the doctor. They are trying so hard to find a diagnosis yet while I wait I feel worse and worse. Today I found myself wondering why God has given me such a big job to do yet is making it physically impossible for me to do it.
I guess that's the point...God doesn't want me to do it. He wants to do it through me. And oh, what glory there will be when it's accomplished while I'm struggling with health problems! But I don't like it. I wish I could say "come what may" and learn whatever lessons I need to or be open to allowing someone else to learn a lesson through my tenacity. I would love to be strong regardless of how I feel. But for now, I'm weak. Not feeling well physically affects me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Oddly, the financial aspect of all this has not even made me flinch. Part of it is because I have a flex spending, medical savings kind of account but even so, this is huge progress for me. I'll pay it when I can, as much as I can and regularly but I'm not worried about it even a little. And with that I'll rejoice and close this post because I'm so swollen I can barely move my fingers.
5 comments:
Julie....your honesty and vulnerability regarding your health and your heart are an inspiration for me -- and a reminder for me to continue prayer for your physical healing as well as your cares and concerns.
Sharon - thank you for your kind thoughts and encouragement. It really means a lot!
Julie - I am sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. I will be praying that they can give you some kind of answers soon and that God will continue to give you the strength you need to keep doing the things He has set out for you to do. Keep keeping your eyes on Jesus and letting Him do those things through you. You are such a blessing to those around you!
God Bless
Debbie - thanks for praying for me. I know you understand all this with the medical things you've had with Michael. You know that waiting is the hardest part! In the no-wait world we live in, I think we've forgotten that waiting on God is the lifestyle he wants from us, not the exception.
Julie, I'm really sorry that you've had to go through so much (physically-speaking). I'm sure it's emotionally draining, especially when the doctors can't figure it out, or when health issues you thought were over come back, etc. YUCK. I'm glad that Steve was able to go to the appt. and be the "strong husband" for you. I think it's got to help a little bit, knowing that you have someone to walk beside you through all of the bumps in life. And, of course, you have all of us too! :) We love you, Julie!
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