After spending all day yesterday sleeping and/or laying around, I tucked myself in bed just before 9 pm and was in a deep sleep shortly after. When I looked at the clock, it was 2:30 am and I was thoroughly disgusted. I knew by the way I felt it would be a long few hours while I waited for morning to come. I so hate that feeling and am glad it doesn't happen to me very often.
I knew there was no point in getting up to take anything because nothing is touching the pain and all it creates is a big stomach ache so I may as well just stay in the warmth of the blankets. As happens to me so easily these days, I began to softly cry, trying very hard not to wake Steve. I whispered "God, I don't understand. Please help me understand. I just need help." My spirit was in utter turmoil and as I continued to pray I felt the overwhelming peace God promises his children--the peace that passes all understanding. No, I did not get any answers into what is wrong with me or any divine diagnosis. I didn't get an audible answer but I knew in my spirit that God knows what is wrong. He knows how to fix it. Perhaps it's just not time. But He knows.
I also realized that for 2 months I've been telling myself, "just hang on until you get to the specialist. Then it will all be fine." That's a lie. That's a strong sentence to type, let alone say to yourself, but it's true. This has nothing to do with me getting into the specialist. He is not the end of the line. Nor is he the beginning. He simply is a method God may (or may not) choose to use to help my physical health. But there is nothing in the arsenal of a physician that will or won't work without the healing of God. He alone is the true physician. The others are merely conduits of His work. I inadvertently put my faith in this specialist to make me better. In essence, I am giving him potential glory that belongs solely to God. I shudder at this thought and how easily this process consumed me. I did not set out to do this. I didn't intend to put someone else in the place of God. And yet I have.
No, neither of these revelations healed me in my sleep--at least not physically. But they really catapulted me spiritually into a different place. Whether I experience a miraculous healing or I spend the next several years in some sort of treatment is yet to be seen. But I do know it's not hopeless and it's not the human agent(s) that will get me there.
Finally at 5:30 am I drifted off to sleep albeit for a mere 45 minutes before I had to get up for a doctor's appointment. And I feel better today than yesterday. Call me crazy (and you wouldn't be the first) but I attribute this to my spiritual breakthrough because it's really about the spiritual warfare going on all around me.
Now I wait for the medical answers. And I will continue to pursue testing as we deem appropriate. There will be good days and bad days. Some I may have to stay in bed, others I may be fortunate enough to get up and function. Most days I will have to depend on others to get me through and learn to accept help. But through it all, I must remain focused on the hope that resides in me. Not positive thinking and not a pull-myself-up-by-my-bootstrap mentality.
As a total aside, Steve has proven to me once again why he's my hero. Blondie, you know what you've had to do for me, day in and day out, and I am grateful beyond words. It's not easy to accept the kind of help you've had to provide and I'm so glad it's you. Thank you for not making me feel like a burden and having such tenderness I'm not humiliated beyond belief.
3 comments:
I really hate that you're in so much pain, Julie, and I'm really proud of you for recognizing the lie! You must be really learning a lot in your class this semester. It's not an uncommon response to put faith in the specialists, even though our faith should only rest in the Lord. I know a couple people who had a hard time dealing with the death of Dr. Oakley (a pain specialist in Billings) when he died in a plane crash a couple years ago. My mom was one of them. She had an appointment scheduled the very next week, after waiting more than 6 months to get into his office. Honestly, I think she had to grieve for a couple days, because she was at her breaking point in pain tolerance. It's easy to get desperate when you feel that way, and to look for relief from human hands. But you have the right response, and it takes a lot of maturity to not get bitter or depressed or angry at God. Let's all keep praying for relief, an answer, or complete healing. Love you, Jules. :)
High five, Julie! You are quickly becoming one of my heros. We are so blessed every time we are in your home. I am in awe of you. You are gracious, wise and BRAVE. Thank you so much for sharing. I do know this - God will lead you through it. He already is and you are pointing your gaze in the right direction. Yep, it's a process, and our wandering or slipping away can sneak in on us ever so subtly. Keep going back - I know you will. You are an encouragment to me.
I was reminded yesterday of God's protection when I read in Ps 91 "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. .......He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
I'm praying many things for you-
AnnP
Just want to let you know that I'm crying in McDonald's by myself reading your blog :) Also, the things I tend to struggle with most are things I can't understand - whether it's the ways of God or how to do something on my computer, so I'll especially be praying for that aspect of your struggle, as well as the rest.
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