Perfection....

In the past couple of weeks I've had the oddest "ah-ha" moments over truths that are not really that profound but they struck me with such awareness I was forced to stop and contemplate the strangeness of such things.

First, somebody posted something like this on Facebook "if Jesus hadn't been crucified, raised to life and then ascended, He'd still be alive today." WOW. In my entire life that had never crossed my mind. Not one single time. Sin is what leads to death (both physical and spiritual) so having never sinned, Jesus would still be alive. That's one of those things that can drive a mind circularly crazy! Yet it's comforting and encouraging at the same time.

The second comes with a bit of a story. Last week Steve and I were having a conversation related to several things someone had said to me that were extremely unkind, unloving and completely out of line. I was trying to process the entire conversation and while I'm sure Steve would rather have been about anywhere else at that point, he simply stayed put and listened.

J: It's not like God expects her, or anyone else, to be perfect anyway.

S: Actually, Julie, that's not true. (At that I jerked my head in his direction and stared directly into his eyes as I knew more was coming.)

J: Please, go on.

S: God does expect us to be perfect. If that weren't true, Jesus would not have had to die. Perfection is the goal, God just knows we are unable to reach it. So there is grace, mercy and forgiveness.

I'm still nearly speechless over that conversation. Obviously not completely or you would not be reading these words right now. That is not horribly out of left field or pulled from the "land of profoundness". It's the basic premise of the gospel. I've heard it a million times, just not in this way. Steve frequently does this to me.

That thought is causing me to look at a whole litany of things differently. How would my actions, reactions and words be displayed if I was focusing on perfection rather than focusing on knowing I will fall short? I believe there is a stark contrast between striving hard for the goal even if I don't attain it, versus settling for less, knowing I have a way out. Don't get me wrong. I am EXTREMELY grateful for mercy, grace and forgiveness for without them I would be eternally lost. And it is no secret to anyone, particularly myself, that I am far removed from perfection.

But in my every day living and decision making, perhaps I would be miles ahead if I focused on doing the perfect thing in the first place. Even if I fall short, I am covered. But on those occasions I don't? I am favored and blessed.

Considering Whether I Can Consider It Joy

I'm only on my second week of a new Bible study and it is seriously tearing my heart into a million pieces. It's a study on the book of James and honestly if I wasn't leading the group, I would be so tempted to quit. It is seriously in my business and my inclination is to run....as far as I can and as fast as I can. Yet I don't feel like that is an option. It is no accident that I am in this study, at this exact time, for a very specific purpose.

The verses we are on this week come from James 1:2-3. "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."

In this day's homework we were to think about a current trial we are facing. That part is super easy for me. I didn't even have to think about it. Almost as if on auto-pilot, my left hand picked up the pen and wrote "my diseases." The challenge was to name three different things I could do with what I'm going through and was further challenged to consider making one of those options to obey James 1:2. Consider it joy? Are you kidding me? I decided to play by the rules in spite of my initial reaction.

Considering it joy is one of the options I contemplated. After identifying the other two, I then had to list the fruit of each decision and what I believe the 5-year ramifications could / would be. As I pondered each one it dawned on me that regardless of what I choose, there is no guarantee or even a hint that I will be healed at the end of it. That thought added an entirely new dimension to my decision making.

Yesterday was EXCRUCIATING for my soul. It was almost too much for me to bear. I wept as I thought about the consequences of a wrong decision.

Tonight I shared all of this with Steve. I am suddenly aware that if I don't bring a few trusted people into this battle with me I am going to lose. I am fighting for my faith and not faring well going solo. It was through many tears and long pauses that I finally managed to get it out. I absolutely know what I should do but it is not what I want to do. I know all the right answers.

So much is at stake in my battle, just as is true for the battles you face. Tonight I am reminded of the following:

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." ~ James 4:17

Of course that verse is in James. This book and this study are going to completely break me. I suppose that is the purpose.

The Slightest Encouragement

Last week I was battling one of my infamous lip episodes. Even though I caught this one earlier than the others, it still took a toll on my face. The other two were humdingers with my lip hanging down to my chin so in comparison, this one was nothing.

But to me it was definitely something. I'm generally self-conscious so any anomaly is going to be intensified hundreds of times over. By Sunday it was not nearly as noticeable as it had been and people who know me well and know how obsessed I was about it kept telling me it really wasn't a big deal.

And then the most encouraging thing happened. From about 30 feet away I saw a young woman I admire greatly and am always encouraged by. No matter what happens in her life, she stands strong and declares how great God is in the midst of it. Surely she has her moments but you'd never really know it. She waved at me, took her finger and circled her face declaring "you look beautiful!"

"It's my new curling iron!" I exclaimed. She laughed and said it had nothing to do with that. There was not a hint of sarcasm or anything phony in what she said. She meant it and I knew it. I almost bawled right there in front of everyone. She had no idea what was whirling around in that brain of mine. We chatted a moment and then I had to return to my post where I was serving so we parted ways.

She had no idea how that small sentence impacted my entire week. Last night at the Ladies Christmas Party I had the opportunity to tell her how much I appreciated that comment and why. In the midst of a "feel crummy, looking crummy, self-conscious" kind of week, she saw something in me that made her declare its beauty whereas all I could see was a glaring imperfection negatively affecting every thought of myself.

You know, I do what I can to paint the barn (so to speak) but I know for certain this face will never walk a runway. Nor do I have any desire for that. However, if someone can look at me and see any kind of beauty, no matter how small, I declare victory. For I know in and of myself that any beauty I exude is only because of Christ in me. He is beautiful and he's making me beautiful. A beauty that not only lasts as the wrinkles come but actually grows.

Such great hope is found in the slightest encouragement. You never know what that one kind word or deed will do for someone's day, week, month, year or life. It's always worth the time.

Grace and Mercy...A Life Lesson

One thing about taking the same route to work every day is that eventually you begin to pay less and less attention to your surroundings. I first became aware of this years ago after my dad had a heart attack. The doctor asked him if he drove the same route to work every day. He said yes. The doctor then told him that by varying your route, you can reduce stress and it also decreases your chance of an accident as you pay closer attention on roads you don't drive as often. It actually makes complete sense.

What doesn't make sense for me is to change my route because it will add a lot more time and waste gas as I virtually have a straight road between my home and the office. That being said, I found myself fairly unaware of my surroundings as I drove home today. While still in the church parking lot I checked my voicemail. Since I don't have a bluetooth and it's against the law to be on the phone while driving, I no longer do that. But I was in a private lot and I drove off without even thinking about being on the phone. I headed down Monad and before I realized it, a police car was headed towards me and the lights flashed. I knew instantly it was for me. He did a quick u-turn and pulled over behind me as I pulled to the curb.

NUTS! I was suddenly aware of the phone in my ear. Hadn't thought a thing about it up until then. I put the phone down. He walked up to the car and after our courteous greetings here's what happened (he will be "P", I will be "J"):

P: Where you headed?

J: Home.

P: Do you have your driver's license on you?

J: Sure. (as I dug it out as he said....)

P: I first clocked you at 43 (I was in a 35) and when you hit 45 I had to pull you over.

J: Sorry, I wasn't really paying attention.

P: Julie, do you have your registration and insurance?

J: Yes. (I handed it to him).

P: You still at XXX Drive?

J: Yes.

P: When was the last time you were pulled over for speeding?

J: Not sure, but sometime around 1990 when there was no speed limit and the tickets were $5 (seriously, that's true...$5 tickets on the highway during that time).

P: Okay, let me check everything out, make sure you don't have warrants and aren't a terrorist and then I'll be back with a warning.

J: Okay, thanks. (VERY RELIEVED)

He walked away. It wasn't about the phone at all! Not that speeding is better. I texted Steve "NUTS! I got pulled over." "For what?" "45 in a 35." Then a friend called and since I was no longer driving, I picked it up and said "hey, gotta call you back, I've been pulled over." He laughed.

The officer walked back up and said, "Well, you're good to go. Everything is in order as it should be. I'm giving you a warning. Hopefully this will slow you down."

J: Thanks. Sorry about that, I guess I just wasn't paying attention. Crazy thing is, I'm not even in a hurry.

P: *laughs* Have a good night.

J: You too.

He walked away and I drove off, very thankful for the grace and mercy he gave me. He could have given me a ticket and I totally deserved it. But because I had all the proper requirements and I think, in part, because I was so courteous and honest, he gave me a warning instead. Steve used to do that all the time when he was a deputy. If someone was nice, honest, respectful and had everything they were required to have he would give them a warning. If, however, they didn't have a license or insurance or current registration, or were particularly rude and offensive, that was a different story. I used to tell him all the time he was a softie. "Hang 'em!" I declared.

Today I was as grateful to that officer as those who Steve showed grace and mercy surely were. And I think maybe because Steve had shown that to so many others during those years, I received a bit of the "comes around" today. That's how it works....we give grace to others who in turn give it to others who in turn give it back to us. And the cycle continues.

That cycle begins with the grace and mercy God has given first. Undeserved yet so freely given. I thought of that the last few blocks home. Today I received a human version to remind me of the far greater grace and mercy I have been given yet don't contemplate nearly enough. If I did, I would far more quickly extend that to others who unintentionally (or even intentionally) hurt me, say things to damage me and get under my skin. I would be in quite a fix if God so quickly and easily removed His grace or mercy from me. I think we all would.

Let's Return to The Simplicity of Christmas

The last couple of days I've read and listened in disbelief to the stories of sleep deprived, irritated, angry and out-of-their-mind shoppers on Black Friday. Their behavior is incomprehensible. Ever since I read last year about the store employee trampled to death by sale obsessed shoppers as the doors were opened I've thought we'd certainly lost our minds. How could person after person run over the top of another human being with no regard for their safety or welfare, all in the name of getting a few dollars off? Have we completely lost all grip on reality?

This year people were pepper sprayed, bloodied, robbed and looted all in the name of getting the best bargain for Christmas. Has everyone forgotten what Christmas is really all about? Is there no goodwill to be found?

The last few years I have been fairly uninterested in all the Christmas hoopla. There are several reasons for that and not one of them means I have grown to hate Christmas. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The year Steve was in Iraq it didn't make sense to put up a tree and decorate knowing I would be spending the holidays elsewhere. That's what started my trek to a simpler Christmas. Then a couple of years ago marked the beginning of my health decline and I did not have the energy to get out of the chair, let alone decorate the house. So we didn't. But we still celebrated what Christmas is really about, just without all the modern day fanfare. We didn't even buy presents that year. And we survived. Dare I say thrived?

In those days Caesar August issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria. And everyone went to his hometown to register. So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you. You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." ~ Luke 2:1-12

This is the very meaning of Christmas. While all those shoppers seek to find the "perfect" gift for over-indulged children and adults alike, the truth is the "perfect" gift was a one time occurrence. This time of year so many are stressed, frustrated, angry and depressed. There isn't enough money, not enough gifts when really we have far too much. People seek to find happiness in getting and giving when the real happiness is found in receiving.....receiving that perfect gift God gave us so long ago--a Savior born in a manger, wrapped in cloths. Simplicity is the very way Christmas began. We have complicated it.

And so I call for a return to the simplicity of Christmas.

Getting A Grip

"Julie, you are in one of those places again," she gently chided.

There are a few people in my life who I trust enough to believe wholeheartedly when they tell me the truth--even when it's hard. Perhaps even more when it's difficult to hear, let alone say. Yet they are brave enough to risk a friendship and confront me with things in my life that I am completely unable to see.

These relationships are rare and take a long while to till the soil. I realize how fortunate I am to have them. It's only when I know they love me, deeply care about my journey and are committed to walk with me that I can be open to really listening to what they have to say. It's a definite risk as one never knows how the news will be received, or if it will be received. If the time is not right, such brutal honesty can end a friendship.

I've had a huge struggle over the past 12-18 months that at times has consumed my mind to the point of irrational thinking. Sometimes I can see it, sometimes not. But I know it's always there, waiting for those weak mental moments to devour my stability and sanity. I've shared it in small doses but only 2 or 3 people know the true depth of my struggle.

Last week as I was headed to an appointment, a friend of mine was on the phone and motioned for me to call her later. She was specifically interested in my doctor's appointment that day as I was on the verge of tears when we met for a bible study (of sorts). As we discussed what he said, which was actually not bad news, that nasty struggle reared its head and jumped right off my tongue. But she already knew it was lurking. She was waiting for it and it was obvious she followed the prompting of the Spirit to talk to me about it.

This isn't the first time she has had to confront me with truth. Several years ago she did so as I struggled with the desperate desire I had for a child. Then four years ago she did so again and that one we laugh about to this day. She said "I wanted you to do XYZ but you were being, well..." she trailed off. "A brat," I quipped. That's exactly what she was thinking and we both knew it. She was right. We laughed our heads off. But had she said it to me earlier, I would likely not be on speaking terms with her today. Timing is everything.

Back to last week. She said, "Julie, you're in one of those places again. If you don't get a grip on this sooner rather than later, it will take you years to tear down the walls you're building. You can't grow spiritually until you face it." In a strange dichotomy, it was as if a burden lifted and a ton of bricks fell on me at the same time.

She's absolutely right. I agreed with her and really thought we'd say our goodbyes and go on with our day. Nope. "So, what are you going to do about it?" she asked. I was quiet, secretly hoping she'd feel uncomfortable with the silence and let me hang up. Nope. "What steps are you going to take?" Realizing she wasn't going to hang up until I formulated a plan, I said, "well, I'm not exactly sure." Still not off the proverbial hook. Such tenacity this woman has.

Together we generated a plan wherein I journal the lies I am believing and/or telling myself and write a corresponding truth for each one. Then comes the memorization so I don't have to depend on said journal to rise above the weight when the inopportune times come. Journaling doesn't work for everyone but for me, it's been highly effective and she knows that. How? Because she knows me. She has invested in me and I in her. She will hold me accountable to do the hard work too.

This stretch of road will be difficult but travel it I must lest I remain in ever increasing bondage for the rest of my life. I am so grateful for this friend, and others like her, who stick their neck out there for me, hold my feet to the fire, encourage me through it, and love me even though I am a stubborn, sometimes belligerent tough nut to crack. They shine Jesus to me and help me shine too.

Uniquely Qualified, For Such A Time As This

I have tried in vain over the past 18 months to find answers to all the "why" questions surrounding my double diagnosis in April 2010. At times those eluding answers nearly drove me crazy. Buried deep in my soul is the knowledge that everything that happens to me is for a purpose, nothing is wasted and nothing happens without going by the throne of God first. You'd think that deeply hidden knowledge would be enough.

Yet frequently is has not been enough, not nearly enough, for this aching soul. Until this week.

I have a very dear friend who has walked by my side every single step of this arduous journey. Actually I have many dear friends who have done so, but this woman in particular has had special insight because she, too, has suffered many medical maladies in her life. She understands the physical, emotional and spiritual pain, medical treatment, medical bills and the blues associated with a chronic illness.

I cried tears of sorrow and lamented to her as I began my injections. She was sympathetic, compassionate and more importantly, always pointed me to purpose in Christ. She never chastised me or made light of the situation yet at the same time refused to allow me to wallow in pity over it or despair to the point of emotional paralysis.

Now she finds herself in similar predicament, beginning injections for her own health issues this week. As I read her email detailing what is coming up for her, I wept. Not because I pity her but because I understand it like so few others can. My heart throbs with pain for her. I know the emotional roller coaster....the fear...the sadness...the despair...the physical pain...every single thing she will experience I have already experienced--and survived.

I have been uniquely qualified, for such a time as this. In her journey I get a glimpse of one of the reasons I am on this road. It is for my dear friend. God, in His omniscience, sent me ahead and just as she walked with me, I now get to be that source of human strength for her.

Although after thoroughly reading her email, I'm not sure she really has need to lean on me. Read an excerpt of her beautifully written words:

I am thankful, and have a bedrock of faith in God for the outcome. I know that He is my healer...and I'm definitely asking Him to heal me through this. If He chooses not to...I must be faithful to thank Him for the experience, and trust Him with whatever comes next. We must trust in the darkness, what we know to be true in the light, amen!

These words likely help you understand why this woman is so special to me and how it's been possible for me to feel encouraged and uplifted in a very difficult season of my life. She was uniquely qualified as well. My friend has an amazing resolve and undeniable faith but should she falter, I will be there to steady her as she trudges forward.

Uniquely qualified...what a beautiful gift and preparation for our earthly journeys from our Creator, from the one who knows the beginning to the end.

We were not meant to walk alone and for that I am eternally grateful.