I'm only on my second week of a new Bible study and it is seriously tearing my heart into a million pieces. It's a study on the book of James and honestly if I wasn't leading the group, I would be so tempted to quit. It is seriously in my business and my inclination is to run....as far as I can and as fast as I can. Yet I don't feel like that is an option. It is no accident that I am in this study, at this exact time, for a very specific purpose.
The verses we are on this week come from James 1:2-3. "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."
In this day's homework we were to think about a current trial we are facing. That part is super easy for me. I didn't even have to think about it. Almost as if on auto-pilot, my left hand picked up the pen and wrote "my diseases." The challenge was to name three different things I could do with what I'm going through and was further challenged to consider making one of those options to obey James 1:2. Consider it joy? Are you kidding me? I decided to play by the rules in spite of my initial reaction.
Considering it joy is one of the options I contemplated. After identifying the other two, I then had to list the fruit of each decision and what I believe the 5-year ramifications could / would be. As I pondered each one it dawned on me that regardless of what I choose, there is no guarantee or even a hint that I will be healed at the end of it. That thought added an entirely new dimension to my decision making.
Yesterday was EXCRUCIATING for my soul. It was almost too much for me to bear. I wept as I thought about the consequences of a wrong decision.
Tonight I shared all of this with Steve. I am suddenly aware that if I don't bring a few trusted people into this battle with me I am going to lose. I am fighting for my faith and not faring well going solo. It was through many tears and long pauses that I finally managed to get it out. I absolutely know what I should do but it is not what I want to do. I know all the right answers.
So much is at stake in my battle, just as is true for the battles you face. Tonight I am reminded of the following:
"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." ~ James 4:17
Of course that verse is in James. This book and this study are going to completely break me. I suppose that is the purpose.
6 comments:
Hey there my friend! Please know you do not walk this battle alone. I am here along side you I will help as much as you let me. Praying for you daily...love you!
I know Sara...you are one I am bringing in close! You are one of the few I can bear to hear the hard stuff from and still like you at the end of it! Love you back!
This James study has been challenging me greatly too. I love you dearly, Julie. I'm always here for you, and you can knock on my office door anytime. I'm just around the corner... literally. :) -Lindsay
I hear you completely! I was once in a place like this, as I'm sure most of us have been. I knew exactly what I should and needed to do but it wasn't at all what I wanted to do. But that is sin. We are to do exactly what the Lord tells us to do, obey his instructions. Oh does it bring our King joy when we do as he says!
I am proud of you for CHOOSING to face that challenge--I know some who would have just skipped over that exercise & not even considered, well, any of it. You amaze me with your perseverance every day Julie--I am blessed to know you, yet I get to be your friend, get to work down the hall from you, do ministry & life with you. I really do wish that I could somehow ease your pain, take it on some to help you or something...but alas...I will pray & am always here for you.
Lindsay, Tonya & Brandi,
Your words of wisdom are huge encouragement for me. THANK YOU!
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