Tears In The Darkness and Blessings Too

Last night as we were about to fall asleep I said to Steve, "I have a well of tears hiding behind my eyes." He asked why and all I could come up with is that they'd been building and I just hadn't let them go. He took hold of my hand and said "well, let 'em go". I don't know that he realized at that moment how long that could take....rest assured he fell asleep long before the tears stopped.

Sometimes the pain is so intense I can do nothing else but cry and that was part of my problem last night. For reasons I'm keeping close and private for the time being, I cannot take anything for the pain--4 weeks and counting. I've always had a fairly high threshold for pain and as time goes by, I raise that bar higher and higher. It's not that I want to be a martyr about it or anything, it's just out of necessity. Fortunately in the pain the lessons abound.

Also at night the tears fall because this is when I experience more than half my fear. It's now at night I must take my injections and for me to go to bed after that terrifies me for if I had a reaction I may not wake up in time. It's in the night when I feel most alone, small and insignificant. It's in the night when I am alone with my thoughts and recall far too easily how I've failed, what I need to do but can't because of my limitations and all too soon I am consumed with a laundry list of things I have to do. No, must do. Believe it or not, there was a time when this worked to my advantage. I had a job where nighttime thinking was my friend. I came up with the best ideas when my mind refused to shut down for the night. I even kept a legal pad on the nightstand to jot down my ideas so my mind could relax and drift off. Yet now this once great friend has become foe as it torments me with what could have been, should have been and never will be.

The tears come so easily in the darkness and are most difficult to control once they do. So how in the world can there be blessings in any of this? Being a firm believer that all circumstances come with lessons and determined to find some brightness in this difficult time, I force myself to search for them. I've discovered it's a guarantee for me to find them when I search earnestly. A few of my blessings....

1. God is teaching me the difference between what I say I believe and what I'm actually believing. I say "God is in control of my days and they are numbered" and I really think I believe it. Yet I obviously don't or I would not worry about a reaction at night being the end of me. I should not worry if I believe God is in control. This line of saying vs really believing will make a huge difference in my growth...once I cross it.

2. The physical pain that is a mainstay these days gives me a keen sense of the pain that surrounds me. People are hurting and just as nobody can see my physical pain, often times I cannot see the emotional, mental and physical pain around me but it's there just the same. I need to remember this to keep me from being self-involved.

3. Admitting to myself and to God (although he knows already) that I am consumed with fears is a crucial first step in getting over them. And get over them I must or I will retreat into the safety of my home environment which I can control and in so doing I become the host of a major pity party and agoraphobia takes over my life.

4. Every time I do something like lead Bible study, emcee at Spring Fling or otherwise fill a public role, I am demonstrating that it is not me doing it in my own strength. It is Christ in me. Many times I have the desire and tendency to curl up at home and watch a movie or read a book yet once I've made a commitment I know I must go forward and so I do - just not in my own strength. This is where God gets the glory and I get the privilege of being used for His purposes.

The tears may fall and on occasion I more than willingly let them because the end result is blessing and glory.