This Crazy Roller Coaster

Just 14 days ago I received good news from the doctor which hadn't happened in 16 months. I can't begin to relate the excitement I felt that day. Still do. When his office didn't call with information about my latest lab results, I knew it was good news. Either things had improved or at the least, everything had remained the same. The old adage of "no news is good news" certainly proved to be true.

My injections have been alright the last 3 weeks--I just took my 6th one yesterday. After the 3rd one there was suspicion that I wouldn't be able to continue and I was seriously bummed because the initial results were so promising. But then came a fairly severe reaction to the site injections. It was a miserable 5 days in mid-March but after a consultation and some good advice from the amazing NP, things have gotten better. Sadly, I've experienced no positive improvement since that time, at least in how I feel physically. It's yet to be seen what the blood tests will show in a couple of weeks. One of the nurses told us the immune system is like a big submarine and it doesn't turn on a dime but even so, the initial weeks were so amazing I knew I would be an exception. Yeah, nice thought.

I find myself on this crazy roller coaster. The new medicine worked...UP I go. The lab tests were not so great...DOWN I go. The new medicine causes a negative reaction...DOWN I go. New lab tests prove promising...UP I go. The reactions to the injections calm down...UP I go. I attempt some "normal" activity only to hurt so badly I am in tears and cannot sleep....DOWN I plunge.

So here it is, 2 a.m. and I am getting just minutes of rest at a time before the sharp, searing pain jolts me awake. Pain so intense the tears roll down my face. I am not allowed (or at least have been strongly advised to stay away from) anything that will ease my discomfort. I finally got up to allow Steve some solid rest and am doing what a normal, sane person would do at this hour and with this problem...watching a movie and drinking diet Mountain Dew:) I am thoroughly, completely and utterly exhausted. Desperate for 6-7 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

As this uninterrupted sleep eludes me, my thoughts run rampant about this insane ride I am on. I long for an even-keeled, smooth ride like "It's a Small World" in Disneyland. Something predictable, easy and calming. Yet this season seems to doom me to a never ending roller coaster. I keep zooming past the ride operator waving my arms furiously to stop this thing yet he just pushes me on.

I've never been a fan of roller coasters. Now I know why.