T Minus 2

This past week I've been fairly melancholy and probably even extremely sad. All week long I've wanted to wrap myself in a blanket, lay in the recliner and entertain myself with movies. Yet that is not an option for me. I must press on and do what I've been called to do, despite how I feel....my feelings are not usually to be trusted and certainly not now. If I were to gauge my life on how I felt, I would be a bigger mess than I already am.

Last Thursday I received a call from the doctor's office and the message simply was "Julie this is XX, a nurse from Dr. A's office. Can you please call us back about your recent lab results?" I've been doing this thing long enough to know that is never a call to tell a patient how they soared through the tests. They call for one reason only--something is wrong. And so it was. I hardly had enough time to compose myself before I headed to the church to lead Bible study.

This week we finally got word that the insurance company had approved the new medication for one month. We attempted to pick it up yesterday only to discover it has to be ordered. We went back today to get it and I made an appointment at the doctor's office for "injection instruction" on Thursday at 4.

And the thought of it makes me so sad I can barely stand up under the sorrow. I retreated to the bedroom, curled up in my favorite barrel chair, wrapped my arms around a pillow and wept. Steve allowed me several minutes alone before he came in and sat in front of me.

"I don't want to do this," I whispered.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because it's what sick people do." I could barely eek out the words.

"Baby, you ARE sick. This may very well be the thing that enables you to function again."

"Will you still love me if I choose not to?" I asked. The insecurities I have fallen into since the onset of this thing are almost beyond comprehension.

"Of course I'll love you." Steve never wavers.

"Would you do it if it were you?"

"Absolutely. No question."

And so we go forward. T minus 2 days. In 48 hours this initial treatment will be injected in my body and hopefully with the plunge of that needle, all my fears will wash away. Of that I am skeptical for my fear is a spiritual problem and contradictory to my faith.

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control." ~ 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)

I am okay with having these feelings and I don't think it means I don't trust that God is in control. I do; yet I am human and frail. He understands my frailties and the fact that my heart is broken is of great concern to Him. It also doesn't mean I lack faith but rather God is shaking the world around me so at the end of all this I will stand firm on one thing only--Him.