Onward We Go & Yet We Praise Him Still

In December I went for my regularly scheduled doctor's appointment and knew going in my current treatment wasn't working as well as we need it to. The Nurse Practitioner handed me a couple of brochures on a new treatment which I promptly put in our office and didn't look at them until the day before my appointment this week. I just couldn't bear the thought for several reasons. First, it is by injection and the thought of giving myself an injection creeps me out. Second, the side effects scare the daylights out of me. Third, it's expensive.

Steve read it all within a day or so of when I received it. Knowing I was going back to the doctor Monday, I brought it out and read it. There wasn't a whole lot in there I didn't already know. I compiled a list of questions and took Steve with me for this visit. Certain I would never make it through that visit without tears, I prayed for strength as I never have before. That prayer was answered as I was more rational and composed than I have been in months! I was able to carry on an intelligent conversation rather than a blubbering idiot one. Steve also had a couple of questions I hadn't thought of so all in all, it was a decent appointment.

As expected, the clinical observations were that I was doing more poorly than last time and while I might sustain at the level I am, I will certainly not get better and I am no where near being able to function adequately. The one bright spot in the visit is that the NP remarked on my "exceptional" strength. Totally cracked me up. To be honest, when she asked me to push against her, I sent her and her chair flying backwards, mostly due to the fact that she didn't expect it...I think. Knowing how much strength I've lost, I now long for the days when I was strong for real.

We left there with the decision made to go forward with the first line of biologic treatment. They are hopeful it will work well for me as it does for so many other patients. As soon as insurance approves it, we can begin. I had hoped for this weekend but apparently it can take 5-7 days for approval and then the pharmacy has to get the medication in. So, it looks like next week is a more likely target.

Amazingly, there is a blessing in all of this. I shouldn't be so shocked as we serve an amazing God and I know for certain He is in the midst of this thing. The drug company has a program where they cover what the insurance company does not for 6 months, up to $4,000. By then we should know if it will work or not. This is provision as its best!

Now I am trying very hard not to play the "what-if" game. What if it doesn't work? Then what? The other options are increasingly expensive. What if I am one of the rare individuals with extreme side effects? What if I die? I can drive myself crazy with the "what-ifs". So I must choose to rest in this:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)

and

"Praise the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits--who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:2-5 (NIV)

God knows. He created me, He knows what is wrong and God alone heals. If He does not, I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.