The week began with me falling at church once again. Everything in me wanted to jump back in the car, drive home, get in bed and sob. Instead, I fought back the tears, took my post and resumed my duties. I spent the afternoon and evening in much pain, sitting in the recliner and napping. Monday was much improved and I was mentally and emotionally the better for having fought against my natural inclination to run and hide. There is no victory in that.
Today I went to the doctor, a much dreaded visit that didn't turn out all that badly. I believe this is due in large part to the friends who were praying for me. Until tonight. I just recovered from tears because I feel so utterly humiliated. It's not that the doctor was unprofessional, rude or rough. She was not. She was compassionate, genuine and had an amazing bedside manner. But medically speaking, some things are just difficult for me to bear even under optimum conditions. This was one of those.
I've realized a couple of things this week. This test of my faith and battle for my health is a place I have to venture alone. Sometimes God brings those things in our lives that are just for us and Him. No one else is permitted in. That doesn't mean people don't walk through it with us but rather they don't get to journey into the innermost places. As a matter of fact, it is critical that I have people surrounding me, walking with me, praying for me and distracting me when possible. But they can't enter in.
Last week's Bible study lesson was on this very thing. At the end of the video as I stood up to teach the portion of the lesson I had prepared, I could barely contain myself. I told the ladies I was about to burst into tears because in my heart I knew "this revelation is for me. It's exactly where I am. It IS me."
The following points are verbatim from session five of "David: Seeking a Heart Like His" by Beth Moore (study distributed by Lifeway); pages 102-103:
1. Further still...when you are overwhelmed with sorrow.
2. Further still...when you desperately need to wrestle with the will of God.
3. Further still...when nobody else gets it.
4. Further still...when the most serious matters of your life need settling.
5. Further still...when life can't be the same but the pain can bring gain.
This season of life is a "further still" for me. I can't possibly say it any better than what has already been said. It is an enormous step for me to realize this.
The second thing I am also coming to terms with is something I've been wrestling with for months. I've been asking difficult questions of God and I don't think that makes me a heretic. Quite the opposite actually. The Psalms are filled with such questions.....how long O Lord? Will you despise me forever? Why O Lord do you stand far off? I haven't verbalized these exactly but definitely versions of them. I don't understand much of the reasoning behind this test. So the questions I must answer are....is God any less good today than he was 16 months ago when all this started? Is He less Holy? Less sovereign? Less...(fill in the blank)?
What exactly am I basing my faith on...who God is or what He does? This came directly out of my lesson for today (the same study indicated above). The exact words I read were: "Basing our faith on who God is rather than what He appears to be doing is crucial to our spiritual health." (page 120)
When a friend asked me a couple of weeks ago how the study was going, I replied "it's amazing. It's tearing my heart apart." That's not bad. On the contrary, this is a good thing.
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