Completely, Utterly, Gloriously Broken

I've been thinking a lot about brokenness lately. The latest incident that made me come to what I think is new insight happened Saturday. I broke a couple of my toes...two of them on my left foot. I thought it was 3 but alas, the third one is fine. A friend, who is a nurse, confirmed for me yesterday they are indeed broken. I had no intention of going to the doctor for it but since he knows his stuff, why not?

This physical brokenness isn't really the focus of my musings but it helped me pull some things together. I actually said to Steve, "oh for crying out loud, when am I going to get a break anyway?" I'm sure you can anticipate his answer. "Well, you kind of did get a break, literally." I so did not think it was funny then and I still don't.

What made me first think about brokenness happened earlier this year when someone completely broke my heart. At the time I didn't focus on it too much because physically I just wasn't able. I had to focus on getting better. But since I've started a treatment plan and am feeling more normal, I began to want answers and justification for her decision but they didn't really come. I eventually did get some answers but they didn't help me out. People far wiser than me told me not to go searching because I wouldn't get the real truth, only perception at best and lies at worst, and they were right. I should have listened. That only led to further brokenness.

Sadly, this happens in ministry more often than it should. Sometimes God moves people in and out of my life and the purposes and results are far greater. But that's not what I'm talking about here. I miss my friend and wish her well but I just know she's made a bad choice. This leads to even more brokenness. But I can't take that on. It's hers to bear. I just don't want to watch it either.

So between these breaks in my heart (and that was just 1 example) and the actual break of my toes, I have realized something. It isn't until I get to the point of complete brokenness that I can be made completely whole. I've been holding back parts of my being from full service. What I'm holding it back for is a mystery. I mean, really, how is that going to benefit me? But, selling all out for the furtherance of God's plan for me, that not only benefits me but scores of others. Most of them I probably don't even know yet.

I've also realized that I can't depend on those around me to keep me whole. They will let me down. And as an aside, I will let them down too. If I let those incidents affect how or why I minister to people, the rest of my time in ministry will be like a roller coaster depending on what others do. That's ridiculous. It's not fair to others who truly need to be ministered to and it handicaps me or even paralyzes me from going on.

The only brokenness that is beneficial is when I'm broken over the lost or broken over my own sin. God has brought me to this point for me to recognize that I have not been sold out, that I am hanging on too tight to things and that it's time for me to let go.

And let God.....what? He gets to fill in that sentence. Not me.