I actually love my house--the location, the layout, the size...BUT...I just want to run away. Granted, I've always been a bit of a wanderer. I love to go places I've never been and actually have a perceived need to do so. My sister has tried to convince me it's not a need but to me, it is. My dad is one of the few people who understood this about me. One time as he was dropping me off at the airport, he said "Go and see but don't forget to come home. My girl just can't stay put, can she?" No, I really can't. So, as you might imagine, this whole new case of itchy feet has caused me to miss my dad terribly.
Last week as I mentioned this to Steve for the bazillionth time, I asked him "why do you think it is I have this need to move?"
"Because you don't feel well," he replied.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"Going places is exciting for you and it changes your perspective. You think it will make things better," he said.
I thought about it for a few minutes and I came to the conclusion he's right. Although my thinking is incorrect, it's plausible that for a few days, weeks or months a new location will help me forget about it.
I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to go to another doctor, have another test, pay another medical bill. I don't want to melt down again. I want it to go away. And until it does, I would really rather not even leave the house. I am safe and comfortable here. I am accepted here. I am loved--even when I've fallen apart at the seams and sit in a puddle of tears.
I want to be normal, whatever that means. I've watched people a lot lately and wondered to myself, "what's it like to do (fill in the blank) without forethought or struggle?" "What if you could just run here or there without worrying about the side effects?" "Why do I have to be such a freak?"
The emotional & mental toll that comes with a chronic illness is just as painful as the physical pain....it's just that no one sees it, few understand it, and the agitation is always barely hidden under the surface.
For me it comes out in the need to wander, to run away and while it seems contradictory, to hole up in the house and never leave again. But even if I do--whether for a minute or a year, it will be waiting when I return. There is no escape. I must deal with it, regardless of whether I like it or want it.
This is the dichotomy of my life these days.
4 comments:
remember...I will not let you hole up in your house! When you get over this cold I will be coming after you!!! love you!
Julie, I think it partially has to do with moving around a lot! Because we moved so often when I was young, I got a little antsy after living in one place for more than a few years. I'd just "get the itch."
And although I don't know what it's like to live with a chronic illness, I completely 100% understand the emotional pain of living with something unusual, and how it's just as hard, if not harder, than the physical stuff. I don't mean to compare myself to you AT ALL, but it took me a full year to really mentally adjust to food allergies. Every day is different- some days it's really easy, some days are frustrating, and everything in between.
When you said that you wonder what it's like to (fill in the blank) without forethought, I can totally relate! Everywhere I go and everything I do contains some sort of mental awareness about food. I honestly have developed a 6th Sense about it! (every crunch/munch I hear, every wrapper opening up, everytime I smell food...I'm very "aware").
Although it's not nearly as challenging as what you're experiencing, I want to be normal again too, but I know that I'll have this the rest of my life. And that's okay. God is teaching us something BIG, if we're willing to pay attention and be teachable. Also, I know that I have to learn what it means to praise Him despite the challenges and "tough stuff" in life. It takes time. :)
You'll have to find ways to wander while staying put in B-town (if this is where God wants you). Make sure to look for adventure, beauty, and mystery in the everyday stuff of life. Take time to explore new things or new places, even if it's just a couple miles from your home. The truth is that you have an adventure streak, and you can get that out in other ways (besides moving). :)
Love ya, Jules!
I know you mean that, Sara, I know!
Lindsay - you are really wise beyond your years in so many ways. You don't have to worry about comparing inappropriately. The principle is the same for both--it just looks differently for both of us. I shudder at the thought that I am becoming a recluse. It happens so quickly and fear is frightening in and of itself.
I wish the lessons would be revealed so I can learn and move on with life!
Thanks for sharing your own struggle.
I would never, ever compare! Yes, we may be learning some similar lessons, but what you're dealing with is FAR more difficult. You know what's funny, I wrote a similar post last week called "The Happy Homebody" on my 2nd blog, Nut Free Life. If you click on my name, it should take you to my profile that shows both blogs. :) I don't want to become a recluse either!!! We'll have to challenge each other a bit, ok?
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