For the past several months as I've struggled with various health issues, I have really attempted to be strong and run at whatever comes my way with unwavering faith. In my head I can plot it out perfectly and have the most amazing response. But in reality, I barely hold it together long enough to get to the car before the tears stream down my face. Today I didn't even make it out of the office.
My saving grace this afternoon was that Steve went along and just having him there makes me a little stronger. I can only imagine how I would have fallen apart had I been there alone. Truth be told, I am tired of going to the doctor. They are trying so hard to find a diagnosis yet while I wait I feel worse and worse. Today I found myself wondering why God has given me such a big job to do yet is making it physically impossible for me to do it.
I guess that's the point...God doesn't want me to do it. He wants to do it through me. And oh, what glory there will be when it's accomplished while I'm struggling with health problems! But I don't like it. I wish I could say "come what may" and learn whatever lessons I need to or be open to allowing someone else to learn a lesson through my tenacity. I would love to be strong regardless of how I feel. But for now, I'm weak. Not feeling well physically affects me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Oddly, the financial aspect of all this has not even made me flinch. Part of it is because I have a flex spending, medical savings kind of account but even so, this is huge progress for me. I'll pay it when I can, as much as I can and regularly but I'm not worried about it even a little. And with that I'll rejoice and close this post because I'm so swollen I can barely move my fingers.
